Stuttering Student

Celexa: The Verdict for Stuttering!

2011-06-07T10:18:00.000-07:00

My verdict, anyway. I can't speak intelligently from the perspective of the scientific or medical community on the efficacy of Celexa as a stuttering therapy, but I can speak of my experience. As you might have read from an earlier entry on this blog, I decided to undergo pharmaceutical stuttering therapy by taking Celexa after reading a professional article about the possible benefits to stutterers. The article actually talked about the benefits of both Celexa and Xanax combined, but I didn't want to try them both at the same time, first, because they both cause drowsiness and, second, because if it worked, I wouldn't be able to tell which drug actually helped. So, my neurologist suggested 20mg of Celexa daily for 2 months....just to see the result.

I can report that my stuttering hasn't been affected at all, but I can also happily report that my fear and anxiety about wasps has all but disappeared! A surprise benefit! I don't remember if I posted about this before, but I have had a lifelong phobia of wasps. Not bees...they don't bother me all that much. Just wasps. (In the past, the image I put in this post would have completely freaked me out!) For as long as I can remember, I have never enjoyed Spring or Summer because of them. They look like little winged monsters that are constantly on the prowl, looking for somebody to torment.

My phobia was so bad that I would immediately become anxious on waking up in the morning, knowing I had to walk from the house to the car...from the car to the store...or wherever I was going. I avoided going outside on warm, sunny days. Any buzzing noise in my direct vicinity caused increased heart rate, increased awareness of my surroundings and total distraction from normal activities. I never, ever rode with my car windows down and I have actually nearly knocked people down getting away from an area where I thought there might be a wasp. At one point, I seriously contemplated moving to an area of the world where it was cold year round.

Since starting on Celexa, however...my phobia has all but disappeared and I can say this without the slightest hesitation or exaggeration. It has changed my life. I now rarely think about wasps and even if I do, there is very little anxiety and if one comes near me, I simply move out of the way. I no longer stress on my long walk from the parking lot to the hospital where I work and I can comfortably sit outside, even if there are wasps in the area. I cannot tell you how happy this makes me.

The downside is...Celexa has had a negative affect on my libido. This is pretty well documented for Celexa users, however. Additionally, I have a harder time getting up in the morning. I now sleep up to 2 hours past my normal wake up time. I am going to see if a lower dosage might be just as effective. Lastly, I am eating less. It seems Celexa has curbed my appetite somewhat. Other than these three side effects, I have noticed nothing else negative.

A reader left a comment on the initial entry about her experience, and it almost exactly mirrors mine. No stuttering benefit, but her anxiety around people has all but disappeared, but she also noticed a decrease in sexual appetite. That may be good or bad, depending upon who you ask, I suppose.

At any rate, that is my experience thus far...I am going to report to my neurologist next month and see if she wants to try the Xanax. If so, I anticipate that the experience will be similar to Celexa. I don't expect any stuttering benefit, but I imagine it will have a beneficial affect on anxiety, which is what both drugs are usually prescribed for.

Learning to Stutter? The King's Speech Film!

2011-05-08T21:34:00.000-07:00

If you are a stutterer/stammerer, no doubt you are aware of the multiple-Oscar winning motion picture "The King's Speech" starring Academy Award winner Colin Firth. Much was made over his phenomenal, real-to-life portrayal of King George VI who suffered from a life-long stutter, but who learned eventually to overcome with the help of an unconventional speech therapist. Mr. Firth won the Oscar for his portrayal and from nearly all accounts, the award was well deserved.

It seems, however, that Colin Firth is having trouble shaking the "learned" impediment. As you can read at this link, since wrapping the film and carrying on with other projects, he has found that at times, he finds himself lapsing back into the stammer that he learned for the role. He also indicates that when be thinks about the stammer, the worse he finds that it gets. Quoting from the article, "I guess old habits die hard." You can read the story at this link, which is a different publication.

When I think about it, I can honestly understand how something like that can happen. From what I have read, much of my stutter (I can speak only for myself) is learned behavior...a habitual form of approaching speech. While I maintain that it is an impediment, probably partly genetic and neurological, I believe that I have taught myself bad habits over the years that contribute something to my own condition. For example, when I hear a ringing telephone that I must answer, my stomach muscles immediately contract and seize up in anticipation of having to get out that first word, especially if it a string of words I must emit, such as one must do when working for some company. "Hello, this is Southwest General Hospital, how may I direct your call?" I made that up, by the way.

Perhaps if I were to go through some kind of behavior modification therapy, some of those habits could be unlearned, helping me to be, at least, more fluent in some circumstances. I can't say for sure, I only speak what seems logical to me. Of course, there are many other times when my speech is dysfluent for no apparent reason at all. For example, when I am at home with a family member or loved one and I am completely at ease, there seems to be no habitual behavior associated with my stammer. This indicates, again, at least to me, that much of my impediment is uncontrollable.

I find it beneficial that Colin Firth is such a notable celebrity because that will allow his predicament to be somewhat played out in the public eye where we can all see where it eventually leads. Will he drop the habit on his own, or will be require some kind of speech therapy to overcome it?

Can stuttering/stammering be learned...to the point that one know longer has control over it and requires professional intervention to remedy it? That would be an interesting case for the medical books. What do you think?

My First Drug: Citalopram (Celexa)

2011-05-05T08:46:00.000-07:00

Well, ladies and gents, I am embarking on my first test of pharmacological aids for stuttering. On my latest visit to my neurologist for my Essential Tremor, I asked her about stuttering medications, specifically Paglacone (she'd never heard of it...still not available, no big surprise). She asked if I was interested in traditional speech therapy again and I told her that I was not, since I had been through years and years of speech therapy as a child and teenager with virtually no result, aside from becoming more accepting of and comfortable with my stutter. We then began discussing various medications that have been used in the treatment of stuttering, and she suggested that I start a regimen of 20mg daily of Citalopram (Celexa).

But...isn't Celexa an antidepressant? Why, yes...it is. But...I'm not depressed? It seems a few antidepressant medications are also somewhat effective in the treatment of stuttering/stammering. Perhaps, in part, due to their anti-anxiety effects, which may account for at least some increased stuttering in people who tend to stutter more in stressful situations. Like, me. And probably almost all stutterers/stammerers.

According to Dr. John Paul Brady (as reported by The Stuttering Foundation), Citalopram has been effective in limited stuttering individuals in achieving some level of improved fluency. Notably, those with a severe impediment benefit best by the implementation of two medications, Citalopram (Celexa) and Aprazolam (Xanax). Since I would not consider myself a severe stutterer, I opted for only the one medication. Also, if I were to greatly benefit from both medications, I would then wonder if only one of the medications would have had the same effect. Starting with the least intrusive amount seems more scientific...at least to me.

I am concerned with side effects. As a rule, I do not like taking medications unless I am in a great deal of pain. Swallowing pills is not something I enjoy, and side effects I enjoy even less. Citalopram offers side effects that range from drowsiness, dry mouth, nausea, vomiting and nervousness...to loss of appetite and loss of sexual drive. Some of the more severe possible side effects are hallucinations and confusion. Since Citalopram is an antidepressant, the latter two, while remote, are a little distressing. Be sure that if I experience any of the latter, I will cease taking it.

My neurologist suggests that I try this medication for 2 months and then I will report back to her on the effectiveness. I will also report back to this blog, so that you can benefit from my experience. I am a bit skeptical. I am not anticipating a dramatic effect, if any at all. I hope I am pleasantly surprised. If you have tried either of these medications for stuttering (or for any reason) your input would be tremendously appreciated.

Happy Spring!!

Trump Owes An Apology to Stutterers

2011-05-01T15:35:00.000-07:00

If you saw the recent White House Correspondent Dinner video that is circulating, then you know that Donald Trump got roasted pretty thoroughly by both President Obama and by the head writer and cast member of Saturday Night Live, Seth Meyers. You can watch the full video here...and Seth Myer's contribution here.

In my opinion, President Obama did a much better job and was genuinely funnier than Seth, although Seth got in a number of well placed zingers and one joke he made actually caused President Obama to laugh hysterically, as you'll see when you watch the video.

In response to the roasting, The Donald made a number of ridiculous remarks on Fox News in a phone-in-interview, most of which suggest that Donald Trump is a humorless grump...but also, at least one remark that shows his insensitivity to those with a disability. Criticizing Seth Meyer's monologue, Donald Trump had this to say, ""I thought Seth Meyers — his delivery frankly was not good," Trump added. He's a stutterer."

Now, I have no idea if Seth Meyers is indeed a stutterer...but, if he is not, does that make the remark okay? What if Mr. Trump had said, "He's a retard," or "He's Autistic," or "He has Tourettes." Would that be okay? Of course, it would not.

What Donald Trump did was to turn a real disability...one that millions of people the world over struggle with on a daily basis, into a pejorative...an insult...something to be poked fun of. He marginalized Seth's words, not on the basis of what he said...but by *how* he said it. He isn't attacking Seth Meyer's words...he is attacking his manner of speech. He is, in essence, saying that, because you are a stutterer, Mr. Meyers...you shouldn't be taken seriously.

While it is understandable to be somewhat insulted or put off by a roasting, it is not understandable to use ones offense as a platform on which to then denigrate those who suffer from a very real and often debilitating neurological/developmental disorder.

Shame on you, Mr. Trump. If you truly aspire to be the Leader of the Free World, I strongly suggest you think more carefully about what you say...before you say it.

Habit or Neurology?

2011-03-13T10:04:00.000-07:00

I may have posted about this before, I can't really remember. There are times in my day when I am completely fluent. I do not use fluency tricks, I don't block, I don't struggle with certain consonants or words...everything works just as it should and I sound like a perfectly fluent individual.

Does this indicate that I have the capacity to be completely fluent 100% of the time? During those 100% fluent times, am I tapping into an ability to be completely stutter free? If I can EVER be completely fluent, does this mean I have the ability to *always* be fluent?

Let's break it down. If I find that I have a period of time of about 3 minutes in the day where I am completely fluent without using any "tricks" to be so...what is going on during those 3 minutes? Have I broken my stuttering habits for that 3 minutes...or is it that, suddenly, for whatever reason, the basal ganglia is properly working with the rest of my brain?

It is a frustrating idea that I am exploring here because there are times when I am completely fluent and those fleeting times make me think that I can be fluent all of the time. I just have to tap into whatever is happening during those fluent times so that whatever is happening...will happen ALL the time.

How much of my stuttering is 100% habit and how much is 100% neurology?

Someone once asked me to tell them what the experience of stuttering is like, and this is the best analogy I could think of: Imagine that when you are walking down the street, you suddenly lose the ability to put one foot in front of the other, and you suddenly start stumbling...but it only last for 5 steps...and then you can suddenly walk normally again. What made you lose the ability for those 5 steps? You have no idea! What was different during those 5 steps? You have no explanation...it's just that, suddenly, without warning and for no apparent reason...you lose the natural ability to put one foot in front of the other.

That is what stuttering is like to me. So, if I can be fluent for 3 minutes...does this indicate that I have the capacity to be fluent most or all of the time? I suppose there is no simple answer. It is probably the case that part of it is habit and part of it is neurological and I lack the ability to determine the proportions on my own.

What do you think?

Pagoclone...When will it be available? Ever?

2011-03-13T08:38:00.000-07:00

This video below cites a 55% effectiveness rate for users and the video shows a dramatic decrease in the stuttering of the subject in question. I recently did research online and read an entry by Tom Weidig (from The Stuttering Brain Blog) on Wellsphere that didn't give me much hope. The trials are ended, the results were less than expected and, thus, it seems Pagoclone probably won't be available in the foreseeable future.

Video: Stuttering: Neuropharmacological Improvement

While I am no scientist and do not understand all of the trappings that surround and ramifications that result from such trials, it is somewhat frustrating that, even though the drug has been very effective for some and there are virtually no detrimental side effects that they can determine...the larger results determine the availability of the drug. So, for those who might greatly benefit from the drug...they are out of luck. Too bad.

I know that the following analogy will be far less than perfect, but it is similar, in my opinion, to the effects of melatonin. For many, it tremendously helps them to fall asleep at night. But, what if the FDA in the United States banned the supplement for resale simply because no empirical study shows it to be effective? That result would be unfair to those who benefit from melatonin.

Some 3 million individuals in the United States alone suffer from stuttering/stammering and, worlwide, about 1% of the global population stutters. We should all be given a chance to experience the possible beneficial effects of Pagoclone...even if it doesn't work for everybody.

Scientific progress can be frustratingly slow. Grrrr!

Headed for Neurology!

2011-03-11T22:13:00.000-08:00

I recently obtained a new primary family physician since moving to the east coast and I have to say that I am very pleased with the recommended doctor I chose. The front desk people could be a little less terse, however. There are few things worse than hearing a person say, "Can I help you?" when you completely get the idea from the look upon their face that they truly have no interest in helping you. Is keying a rude person's car illegal? Just wondering.

One of the reasons I needed to get a primary is that my prescription for Propranolol was nearly gone and I needed a refill. For those unaware, I was diagnosed with Essential Tremor (sometimes called familial tremor) nearly 7 years ago and I take the medication for the tremors in my arms. Propranolol is actually a blood pressure medication, but taken at lower doses, has a wonderful suppressing effect on the type of tremors associated with Essential Tremor. Unlike those suffering from Parkinson's Disease, the tremors associated with ET are experienced while undertaking activity rather than at rest. For example, on a bad day, I have trouble holding a bowl of food with one hand and eating with another. The bowl will slosh around and I can hardly get a bite to my mouth. Thank you, Universe. Now, not only can I not say 5 words in a row without feeling like moron, now I have the added pleasure of rattling around like a spastic asshole, as well. Ah, life! ;P

Compared to many chronic ET sufferers, my tremor is very manageable. In fact, unless I'm doing a specific activity, nobody can even tell. And for the times when people could tell (in meetings, for example, when I had to handle and read documents), many assumed I was suffering from some kind of alcohol withdrawal or something similar. How embarrassing, right? "No, they aren't DT's. I don't drink! Really! What do you mean will I agree to a blood test??"

I had stopped taking the medication for about two years because I felt confident that the affliction wasn't affecting my life all that much (plus, I hate taking pills of any kind), but then around 2008, I began to notice pressure and mild pain in both of my shoulder joints. For lack of a better description, at times it felt as if there were air bubbles in my shoulder that would rapidly grow and then pop. At times, it felt as if my shoulders were going to pop out of joint, but it wasn't exactly painful. Just a feeling. Sometimes it felt like I had no control over my arms, if I were to undertake some action, like picking up a piece of paper or passing the crack pipe. Just little, normal things like that. So, I decided to start taking the drug again.

The good thing about Propranolol, aside from how it helps me, is that, at this low dosage, it has virtually no side effects. No liver impact, barely any drowsiness...in fact, aside from the fact that my arms feel perfectly normal, I can't even tell that I am taking anything at all. I like that.

At any rate, my new doc has scheduled me to see a new neurologist to give me a new batter of tests to assess my tremor...but, also to see what he might say about stuttering treatment. I mentioned the new drug Paglocone to him, but he has never heard of it. No big surprise there. I think I read recently that the trials for Paglogocone were ended and aren't scheduled to start up again, so we'll see how that goes. I don't know what other meds they try for stuttering, but I would be interested to try something...just because I've never tried medications for it before. I'll keep you informed of what the neurologist says.

I hope everyone's 2011 is going well. Don't forget to turn your clocks ahead tomorrow night!

Meet Bobby - A New Blogger

2011-02-20T21:25:00.000-08:00

I love it when new comments come in on my blog posts because it gives me the chance to meet new stutterers and gives me greater insight to our community and just who is a part of it. Meet the author of the new stuttering blog Stutter Step.

What do I know about Bobby? Not much, admittedly, except that he is a professional software developer, that he loves his Dad, and that he is a good writer. I hope he will continue his blogging...it seems he has just started this year. I particularly enjoyed his two most recent posts, a review of the tremendous film, "The King's Speech" and his list of favorite celebrity stutterers. James Earl Jones, as Bobby relates, is indeed very intriguing because, although a former stutter, his most famous claim to fame is his VOICE WORK. The last line in the entry about Bruce Willis made me laugh.

I hope you check him out...his blog entries are really easy to read...nothing too heavy...you get pretty quickly that he loves life and doesn't let his stutter hinder his love for life. Good for him. We could all take a lesson.

Funny what you can pick up about a person just from what they write. :)

Welcome, Bobby!!

Stuttering Michael Jackson Impersonator

2011-02-04T10:47:00.000-08:00

I am a double threat. I am a stutterer and I love Michael Jackson. I was browsing through YouTube this afternoon and I came across this 12-year-old boy from Turkey who does a spot on Michael Jackson dance impersonation...but, before he dances, he speaks...and you can't help but notice that he has a pronounced stutter. God bless those youngsters who do not let their stutter/stammer stop them from doing what they love to do. Going on live television is hard enough...to do so with as a stutter/stammer must be even harder. That kid has talent!

Stuttering Advice

2011-01-23T09:57:00.000-08:00

I was contacted recently by a very loving and caring mother of a primary school child who asked my opinion about some concerns she has with her son's speech. With her permission, I am posting our exchange here for your review. Keep in mind, these are only my opinions and she is aware of that. Feel free to leave your own comments about her questions or about the opinions that I have offered to her.

Hi Tony,

My son has been stuttering on and off since age 2 1/2 (he's 5 now) I keep thinking he's growing out of it and then it starts to get worse again. Then things smooth out . Frustrating to say the least. I have been contemplating speech therapy for a long time, but have some fears surrounding that. He currently doesn't seem bothered by his speech so we haven't even talked with him about it yet. He is a shy, quiet kid in kindergarten so his teacher hasn't even notice a stutter yet. I kind of think he is being quiet because it's hard for him to talk sometimes. Yesterday he didn't want to do Show and Tell. I don't know if that is because he was feeling shy and anxious or couldn't/ wouldn't talk. What are your thoughts on speech therapy for a 5 year old? How can I take him to weekly speech therapy sessions to try and improve his speech, while at the same time let him know it's ok to stutter? My Dad has stuttered his whole life and didn't like going to speech therapy. Same for a cousin who stutters. Everything I read about stuttering says early intervention is best, but I am still scared. What do you reccomend?

Thanks for your blog!

Very Sincerely,

Karen

My response:

Hi, Karen! Thanks for writing to me!

In my non professional opinion, I think (generally) 5 years of age is too young for speech therapy. My reasoning is that, if he isn't aware of it yet and it isn't impeding him, I think therapy would make him suddenly aware of the stutter and would greatly lend to him developing a complex about it and could easily lead to low self esteem. I would definitely wait until it actually becomes a problem. For example, when he begins to complain about it or he seems impeded in academics or socially or when other kids begin teasing him.

Also, consider that it might disappear on its own! Given that speech therapy does little to stop or end stuttering, he would be okay either way. In my experience, research and opinion, speech therapy mostly only helps the stutterer become more comfortable with being a stutterer. In my case and for the many years I went through therapy as a child, it didn't noticeably help at all. If there was improvement, it was indiscernible by me.

Lastly, and if I am preaching to the choir, forgive me, often parents take on the burden of their child's perceived problem and in their zeal to rescue them, they do too much for the child, things that aren't necessary. Stuttering hasn't impeded my life in any measurable way (thought it does for those with a chronic stutter). It has only caused internal frustration and low self esteem problems as a child. Without stuttering, however, your child will still face internal frustrations for other things and, for some reason, we all face a measure of low self esteem for one reason or other. Stuttering will likely not ruin his life and, conversely, not having a stutter doesn't guarantee that he will be successful or happy. True happiness is achieved by accepting what you have been given and refusing to be a victim. :)

I offer this just as friendly advice. The best you can do for him is to let him be a child and just keep an eye out on his social and academic development. If there is a problem, you will either notice in due time or maybe his teachers will alert you to the problem. Until then, I would say it is not yet a problem and that is a good thing!

I hope to hear from you in the future on his progress! Good luck to you and to him and May All Good Things Come To You. :)

Bright Blessings
Tony

(I will post the follow up emails soon!)

iPhone App: DAF Assistant

2010-10-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

I refuse to shell out $4000 for the SpeechEasy, not only because it's far too expensive, but also because there is strong evidence that the device's beneficial effects eventually wear off for most of those who use it. The strongest piece of anecdotal evidence comes from that of Mark, a young man whose life was initially changed by SpeechEasy as he was thrust into instant fame by being featured on American national television on The Today Show and Oprah Winfrey (I believe). It seems that the American media was a bit hasty, however, because, to hear Mark tell it, the effects of the device began to rapidly decline until it had virtually no effect at all. He spent a fair amount of time in a depression because of the experience...thankfully, however, he eventually recovered and is now in grad school, I think. You can check out his blog in the link above.

Despite this, I was still curious, if for no other reason, because I wanted to see if the device would work for me, even if only initially, and because I wanted to feel what it is like to be fluent.

It seems Apple has come up with the solution for this. Well, not Apple, but an application designer named ARTEFACT, LLC. The application is sold in iTunes and is called DAF Assistant ($9.99!). Essentially, it operates exactly like The SpeechEasy device, absent the carefully and personally-tailored ear piece. The application offers Audio Delay from 20-320 milliseconds and Frequency Shift from tones ranging from -10 to +10 (half octave down to half octave up). You can use the application with either Bluetooth headset or a simple headset with a built-in microphone. I don't recommend the type of headset with an extended microphone, as you would look silly walking around with that on your head all day. Just buy the ones with the microphone built in to the cord that extends from the earphone itself. That way, you can even just use that one side of the earphones without having two earbuds in at the same time.

The intended effect is to "trick" the stutterer/stammerer into thinking that he or she is speaking in unison with somebody else because, for some stutterers, doing so virtually eliminates the stutter. That is the case for me. If I am reciting The Pledge of Allegiance or any other verse in unison with one or more persons, I will not stutter. Why is this so? I haven't the foggiest clue. *shrugs*

The application does work for me. When I placed the earbuds into my ears and launched the device, I immediately was able to speak freely to a friend of mine with hardly any stammering or blocks. It was a tremendous feeling and I kept talking nonstop for about 5 minutes. The small blocks I did have were almost inconsequential and I was able to get past them almost by sheer will. My settings are Delay of 140 and Frequency Shift of +3. I tried a few others and they worked nearly as well, so I can't say for sure which works the best.

The downside: As expected, not only do you hear your own voice with delayed feedback and frequency shift, but you hear everything else in the room (including your own typing) in the same manner. My friend tried it and said it would drive him crazy. It doesn't bother me all that much, simply because the benefit of fluency outweighs any noticeable distraction. If I am not talking, I do find the noise annoying, so I just take out the earbud or turn the application off. The only time I ever found it annoying (disturbing, actually) was when I suddenly laughed out loud in response to something my friend said and suddenly was subjected to a loud, high pitched, crazy-sounding laugh directly into my own ear. I immediately yanked out the earbud!

My own advice is to only use the application in instances where you will actively be participating in a conversation. If you are only going to speak occasionally, like when you are watching television with others...turn it off. The feedback will be distracting. Overall, I am very pleased with the results. The application is exceedingly inexpensive at just 99 cents and the results were/are immediate. And if they aren't for you...well, you've only lost ten bucks. :)

An Award & A Difficult Academic Task

2010-10-22T17:46:00.000-07:00

Apparently, my blog was one of 10 winners for the 2010 Top Stuttering Stammering Blogs (see the badge in the right-hand column). You can read about who hosts this selection at at this link here. I really do appreciate those who voted for this blog, appreciate the organization who sponsors the yearly distinction, and certainly am humbled to be included with my fellow bloggers on that list, most with whom I have become familiar over the years of maintaining this blog. To be listed right below Tom Weidig is a true honor, given the time and tremendous work he expends every year in the study of stammering and given his impressive academic credentials. You may have read before that he and I had the chance to sit and talk in a coffee house in San Diego a few years ago. He is just as charming in person as he is in his writing. And just as passionate about the study of stammering/stuttering.

I am currently back in school again...yes, again (actually, I think I mentioned this already). It seems I have become addicted to being enrolled in school. Otherwise, I feel lazy and unproductive and I hate both of those things. For one of the courses I am required to take (Language and Communication) I was required to develop a thesis statement and then provide research and an outline for a live presentation of my subject and thesis, write an APA-formatted outline, at least one visual aid, and then I was required to VIDEO TAPE the presentation without editing and have at least one person in the audience ask 2-3 questions at the end, followed by my answers.

Let me start by saying that I am a very comfortable public speaker. I am most fluent when I am at a podium or if there is a microphone in my hand. I facilitate many psychoeducational groups at work with at least 10-15 teenagers in attendance. Most of my groups are educational in nature and consist of me lecturing and asking questions of the teens. I feel most comfortable, speaking-wise, when I am in front of an audience. Unless...unless...unless...there is a camcorder running and it is being recorded. Then, I turn into a stuttering, fumbling, sweaty-palmed jackass. And that is what happened with this project. It took me 5 times to finally get all the way through it. Each of the four times, I would get nearly through the presentation and then suddenly, I would block irrevocably and I would just turn the camera off because I can't bear the thought of my college instructors seeing how I look when I stutter. Further, I have no desire to immortalize such an event on film, digital or otherwise.

Ultimately, I was able to get through it, with stuttering, and decided that, since it was a required part of the course, I had no choice but to live with it. I did let the graders know of my stuttering condition, however, and informed them that the stuttering was unavoidable and that I sincerely hoped I would not be penalized for it, grade-wise. Turns out, I was not. I passed the task and was told the work was excellent.

What stands out in my mind, however, about this event is how traumatized I felt after each failed attempt. My hands were sweaty and shaking, I was depressed, embarrassed with myself and felt like a complete failure. After the second try, I was almost ready to give up on the prospect of even trying again. I literally felt very invaded and traumatized. I felt like I was being forced to put my disability on display for others to view and that is a horrible, terrible feeling.

Okay, I'm done being a victim. :)

Stuttering can be a real pain in the arse at times!

Teaching?

2010-09-17T10:37:00.000-07:00

I am currently employed as a counselor for teenagers in a children's crisis hospital. I deal daily with teenagers with various conditions such as autism, pychotic tendencies, suicidal ideation, self-injurious behaviors, violent acting out, mental retardation, past sexual or physical abuse, post traumatic stress disorder and a host of others. It is a very fulfilling vocation, but one that can also be very stressful and even sometimes dangerous.

I am back in school, however, and am currently working on my teaching credential which will allow me to be licensed to teach K-8th grade. It's an interdisciplinary degree program, which will qualify me to teach all subjects to primary-school-aged children.

I may a post just recently about masking my stutter using various tricks I have learned over the years. They allow me to successful counsel with the teenagers at work with little or no evidence at all that I stutter. They don't always work and, in fact, one teenager called me out for stuttering during a group session I was conducting just two days ago. I announced to the group that, yes, I did just stutter and that I have a persistent developmental stutter that I deal with on a daily basis. Most of them were surprised to hear me say that and expressed that I do not appear to stutter. Well, yeah. That's the point.

As an aspiring teacher, how successful do you think I would be landing a job as a primary school teacher if, during the interview, I found myself unable to say 3-5 words in a row without stuttering? What school would hire someone with that kind of speaking disability? How effective of a teacher would one be if he or she was unable to speak fluently to a class of 20-25 small children? I don't have the answers to these questions...I am just thinking them aloud and am considering their existence, since it's something I would likely have to deal with if I did not employ my fluency "tricks".

Do I think that schools should discriminate against those who stammer? Of course, not. But, does that mean that they won't do so anyway? Again, of course, not. For more information about my position on this matter, please read the last entry. And, as usual, your comments are very welcome!

Is Stuttering Cool?

2010-09-05T11:19:00.000-07:00

Recently a friend sent me a suggestion to "like" something on Facebook. It's a group called Stuttering Is Cool and from what I have read, it is at least partly about stuttering freely and even advertising that you have a stutter. Supposedly, for some, this takes the edge off of the stuttering dilemma, because now there is no pressure to talk like you think others think you should talk. You can just be yourself and the people that you are speaking to...can expect the stutter.

The problem I have with this is personal and in no way is being published here to malign that group or to oppose the work they are doing. It is just my opinion.

Firstly, I don't think that stuttering is cool. There. I said it. It's not cool. It sucks...and I won't pretend that it does anything else. I think that stuttering sucks in the same way that a dart to the head probably sucks. What if you had a foot that will sometimes step right where you want it to...but on numerous and often occasions, it steps completely in the wrong place? Would that be cool? What if the hand holding your fork only made it successfully to your mouth 3 out of 5 times? Would that be cool? What if your eyes failed you more often than they assisted you? Or your hearing? Or your legs? Would that be cool?

No. That would certainly not be cool. That would suck. And it would suck hard.

What is cool is that I have successfully developed avoidance techniques that help me to avoid stuttering...and they are successful to the point that most people who don't spend a lot of time with me, do not know that I stutter. "But, Tony, why would you care what strangers think of you?"

Good question! Well...not really. I don't care what they think of me. I care about how my stuttering makes ME feel. Not them. If I am ever on the phone with my son and I find fluency to be fleeting and I stutter through our conversation (my techniques don't work much on the phone), I become frustrated and my son always tries to help by saying something he thinks is helpful...like, "Dad, it doesn't bother me!" What he doesn't realize is that I'm not frustrated because I think I am bothering him--it's not about him--it's about ME. I am frustrated because I can't do what most of the world can do without thinking about it: TALK.

I understand what Stuttering Is Cool is trying to do...and I think it's a worthy cause. They are taking the sting out of stuttering by putting it out front and talking about it. They are turning it around to make it something positive instead of something negative. They are psychologically disarming the stutter so that it's no longer an enemy....but a friend.

But, I don't want stuttering to be my friend. If it were my friend, it would let me talk. I don't have a single friend out there who would purposely trip me or push me down or lock up my mouth so that I can't say three words in a row without elevated anxiety levels. That's not a friend. That's an enemy...and a diabolical one who deserves to have shit-balls launched at his head.

My avoidance techniques...or "tricks" as I refer to them...are my friends. They allow me to be confident in most situations. They help me to sound like I want to sound. They support my desire to feel good about myself and they also help me to do so. That sounds more like a friend to me.

I know there will be comments from those who support advertising our stutter...I'm just not of those people. It's just not for me. My son was born with a club foot. He had five surgeries...one a year for the first five years of his life. The deformity has been corrected and he can pretty much walk like anyone else, but he also has to wear a lift in his shoe so that he doesn't have a limp. The lift enables him to APPEAR like everyone else in the walking community.

That's what my tricks do for me. They make it so I can sound like everyone else who can speak without really thinking about it. Is that so wrong? Is it wrong to want to sound and feel like everyone else? If so, leave a comment. I will consider it. And...as usual...thanks for reading. :)

"Prove to me that you stutter!"

2010-06-09T22:35:00.000-07:00

Would any of you ask a person in a wheelchair to stand up and attempt to walk across the room so that you can actually see that the person is crippled? Would you ask a self-proclaimed diabetic to skip an insulin injection so that you could personally verify their medical condition? Would you throw a frisbee to a person who claims to be blind so that you could verify if they actually are visually impaired?

Some time ago, I put up a video on my YouTube channel titled, "We Stutter". I did this so that I could explain how I achieved fluency in my YouTube videos and also so that I could reach out to other YouTube users who might also suffer from a Persistent Developmental Stutter. If you watch my videos, you will rarely see any stuttering. That is because I edit the stuttering completely out of the videos and what results is a video rant that is fast, closely edited and appears to be the ramblings of a person on high doses of caffeine. That was my goal. It is my way of being able to partake in an activity that would otherwise be impossible to do with any real fluency.

Mostly, I have received positive responses to the video, and most of those come from fellow stutterers/stammerers. But, I've noticed that there are some people who don't believe that I actually stutter and some of them have sent me private messages to this effect and have asked me to send them video files of me stuttering…so that they can personally verify that I am actually a stutterer. I find this to be more than just a little rude and presumptuous. One guy accused me of riding on the backs of stutterers to achieve success or fame.

Success or fame? FIRST of all, that video is the ONLY video I've ever made about stuttering. You would have to search to even find it. It's buried under more than a hundred more videos that I have filmed since.

SECOND, what kind of fame would I possibly be attempting to achieve? I've never seen a person achieve YouTube success (or any other kind, for that matter) by virtue of a stutter. My "fame" on YouTube has come about by my regular comedy videos…not from some public service announcement about stuttering. That video has gotten just over 33,000 views, so I'm not earning any significant amount of ad revenue from it.

In the video, I explain exactly how I achieve fluency in my videos and I also explain exactly why I made the video. It had nothing at all to do with fame or money. The video was made long before I become a YouTube partner, so most of the views haven't earned me one cent.

I made the video because I think it is important for all of us to highlight our personal achievements as stutterers so that we can instill even a small amount of hope, inspiration and pride in ourselves as we struggle through our daily lives with stuttering. If that has been achieved for even one viewer (and it HAS)…then I am pleased with the effort. For the rest of you who don't believe me...you can so suck eggs. Yeah...I said it. :)

Petition: ASHA Needs to Actively Enforce its Code of Ethics

2010-06-09T08:41:00.000-07:00

Please visit the link below to add read the petition to the ASHA (American Speech-Language-Hearing Association)...and then consider signing the petition. The ASHA has its own code of ethics regarding its members advertising "cures" for stuttering/stammering, yet they do not always enforce them. Currently, many ASHA members violate the code of ethics by making false/misleading claims regarding certain treatments and "cures". It is not simply an issue of "free speech". The FDA actively enforces the law regarding food and drug manufacturers making false or misleading claims...and so should the ASHA with regard to their own code of ethics and their Members.

By allowing these unsavory companies and individuals to thrive, the affliction of stuttering is mis-characterized, individuals are misled into thinking there is a "quick fix" for stuttering and the stutterers themselves are enticed to part with their money, only to be left feeling as if they failed when the "cure" didn't work for them. If you, as an individual business owner, marketed a "pill" or supplement that you claim can cure diabetes, you would quickly face the wrath of the Food and Drug Administration. And rightly so. Consumers need to be protected from individuals peddling "snake oils" to cure or treat debilitating medical, psychological or physiological conditions.

Some might regard this issue as merely one of "buyer beware", but this is a terribly careless position to take, in my opinion, because it entirely ignores the ASHA code of ethics, firstly; secondly, society (and the FDA) does not tolerate similar standards with regard to food or drug manufacturers who make curative claims. We need to stand together as a community to send a message to the ASHA. Please consider standing together with me by clicking the link below, reading and then signing the petition.

ASHA Needs to Actively Enforce its Code of Ethics

It's Frustrating!

2010-05-31T10:10:00.000-07:00

I was at a friend's house yesterday, a very talented Animal Communicator/Psychic and this is a person I see on a regular basis each week. We are very good friends and share books, life stories, give each other advice, etc. Yet, yesterday at her house, I struggled horribly with being fluent. I also work with this lady and rarely do I stutter in my professional setting. Suddenly, however, for some mysterious reason, I couldn't say five words in a row without a major block...and my usual tricks to avoid stuttering all seemed to fail.

Maybe it was the unfamiliar setting? I have never been to visit her and her husband at their house before, so maybe that put me on edge a little. Who knows? She knows that I am a stutterer and reacts wonderfully to it, never trying to complete my sentences or even mentioning the stutter at all. Still, I felt like a huge idiot.

No matter how many times you tell yourself that stuttering doesn't determine your intelligence and shouldn't affect your value or how you feel about yourself, when days or incidents arise like this, I am virtually unable to convince myself that I don't appear to be a stuttering, stammering, dysfluent imbecile.

I hate days like that.

Sticks and Stones...Hurt Like Hell, Damn It!

2010-05-19T10:30:00.001-07:00

As a young child, I wasn't the most brawny of kids. In fact, I was downright scrawny and wimpy. I was born 2 1/2 months early, weighed only a few small pounds and never really caught up. Because of my pint size, I was often the target of bullies. When I was in middle school, around 6-8th grade in the United States, I had the stature and build of a kid of no more than 9 or 10...even though I was 12-13 years of age. In the locker room after gym, all the kids stood at least a head or so above me.

Because of my small size, I wasn't too adept at physical confrontation. Redeeming myself and my good name through the use of "fisticuffs" wasn't my forte...never was and never will be. In my entire childhood, I was probably only engaged in two fights ever; one was with my brother and the other was with a kid in the 6th grade who wiped the school yard with my face.

While I wasn't adept at physical confrontation, I did learn early on that I could defend myself pretty well with my words. Despite my stutter, when I would become angry, I could give someone a hefty tongue lashing, so much so that I had a reputation for being fairly skilled at verbal put-downs and insults. It was my sole effective weapon, though not effective if the target of my verbal rampage decided to take things a step further. Then I would be at a decided disadvantage once again.

My verbal skill, while also somewhat of an advantage at choice times in my dealings with schoolyard peers, was also my biggest source of trouble at home. My mother was a strict disciplinarian and demanded respect and absolutely forbad "talking back" or "giving sass" to adults. But, I was unable to control my mouth, even with my parents, should we disagree over some thing or some issue. I would argue an issue, even if I was in the wrong, to the point of distraction and was a constant source of annoyance to my mom who, on more than one occasion, stated categorically that if given the chance, I would argue with Jesus Christ himself. But, that's just silly. Jesus is a Democrat. Why would I argue with Him?

I guess I am posting this because I find it somewhat ironic that I was gifted with a sharp tongue, but also with a bad stutter as a kid. As I said in an earlier entry, I also love sharp-witted comedy and would have loved to have been a stand-up comic...but for my annoying stutter. (And assuming I'm funny. My son says that I'm funny, but also says that looks aren't everything.)

Language is very important to me. I guess that's why I developed such a love for the written word. I can't speak it as eloquently as I write it...and the advantage of writing it is that it gives you time to carefully hone what you intend to say before you unleash it on the unwitting reader. I participate in online debate, have been frequenting the same debate forum for over a decade now. I am pretty damn good at it, but I think that's because I can think before I write and I always sound more eloquent than if I had to speak aloud what I want to say.

Is any of this your experience as well? As a stutterer, what dreams did you pass on because of the limitations of your speech, if any?

Another Money-Grubbing SCAM ARTIST

2010-05-17T10:15:00.000-07:00

Meet "Orlene Robinson"...she was kind enough to leave a very encouraging comment on my "advertising my stutter" blog entry and then go about his merry way.

Wait, no she didn't!! She also left a link to "her" e-Book which promises, for the low, low price of just $39.99 ($17 if I ACT NOW!) to offer tips that will help you or your child find "tried and true" tips for overcoming his or her stammer! Check it out!

http://stutteringtips.com/

I love how these scammers offer a product that, by the picture, appears to be a huge, fancy looking textbook of some kind, but then turns out to be an internet e-book download. Why can't I have the book below that is pictured on the site?

I want this lovely, nice big green textbook! Why can't I have it? Hmm. Probably because it doesn't exist. If you click on the profile page of Orlene Robinson, you see she is a lovely woman who lives in Jamaica, loves reading the Bible, but, oddly, there isn't one piece of information, not one link to any blogs or websites that offer any information at all about stammering/stuttering. Why would that be? Look for yourself:

http://www.blogger.com/profile/04578448236449972616

I have a theory. If you find information that purports to help you with anything...on a website that forces you to scroll down endlessly while you read paragraph after paragraph of testimonials and unfounded scientific or medical claims...all while giving you NO INFORMATION at all about who is peddling the product or who is behind it...it's probably 100% garbage.

So, congratulations, Orlene...you are my newest SCAM ARTIST of the Day! How proud your parents must be.

Upward Fluency Trend

2010-04-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

I'm experiencing an upward trend in fluency at work...and I'm enjoying it while it lasts. In the evenings, I usually avoid putting the kids on the phone with their parents because it requires calling the parents, identifying myself and then telling them they have a call from their kid. You'll remember not too long ago, I was posting on being on a downward trend and was avoiding the phone like the plague.

Last evening, I handled all the calls and only experienced a few difficult moments. And those were very minor and I would bet my left arm that the parent didn't even notice. During these times of fluency, I get a little taste of what it would be like to be completely fluent and it's really a liberating experience and a very refreshing change from the usual. It's easy to be tempted to think it will last...but I will try not to think about that right now. For however long it will last, I will just enjoy it.

Shut Up, Already!

2010-04-23T22:04:00.000-07:00

I hope I don't get hate for this entry...but have any of you stutterers noticed many non-stuttering people who say so much but have so little to say? There is this lady at work, she is a new nurse on the unit and she is "shadowing" our supervisor nurse until she learns the ropes...and this woman, I swear, never shuts up. Every single little detail in her life is a long-winded anecdote to share with anyone who will listen.

Almost every time I found myself in the nurse's station, this woman was boring everyone with some goofy story about her kids or her husband or about her Border Collie or about her horses or about the last hospital she worked in...all sorts of stories that, by all appearances from those listening, nobody wanted to hear. I want to scream at her, "Lady, nobody cares that your husband has a hammer toe or that your horse responds to your emotions or that your toddler son is the next Einstein! Shut up, already!" Let's face it: most of our lives are boring to other people and unless some monumental event takes place or you can contribute to some conversation already taking place where your story might add something to the discussion...can't you please save your insufferable daily anecdotes for a blog?

I rarely talk at work unless I'm consulting with another counselor about the next group session or talking about what's next on the schedule. Oh, we exchange funny stories about the unit when we all sit down for a break or at the end of the day when we are doing reports or other paperwork. We might even update others on our lives, things that others already know. But, for the most part, probably because of my stutter, I don't bore people with my life story. Perhaps if I didn't have this stutter, I would...who knows? Pondering this...perhaps, then, having a stutter is somewhat of a blessing to others?

I am reminded of a classic scene from the John Hughes film, "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles". The relevant portion comes at about 52 seconds.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q05p-5TWcj8

You May Know Mark...

2010-04-22T13:30:00.000-07:00

A few years ago, I happened upon a segment of Oprah Winfrey that immediately caught my attention. The reason it caught my attention was that it was about stuttering. I don't watch Oprah on a regular basis. Ordinarily, because I am a stutterer myself, I find it difficult to watch television programs about stuttering and I'll avoid them at all cost. It's like a big mirror being erected before me and the last thing I usually want to do is to see and hear what I look and sound like when I stutter.

This segment was different, however. It was about the famed SpeechEasy device. If you aren't aware of this device, it's a tiny piece of expensive ($4000+) hardware that the adherent wears much like a hearing aid. It feeds auditory feedback to the listener in such a way as to "trick" the adherent into thinking that he is speaking in unison with another person. This act, like the device, usually produces instant fluency in stutterers. And for Mark, the focus of this Oprah segment, that is almost exactly what happened.

I could not find the Oprah Segment, but Mark was also featured on Good Morning America in 2002...same year. You can see the segment for yourself right here. Have some tissues handy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuO3DbnQjxE

The segment touched me very deeply...but it also sparked my imagination. My stutter isn't as severe as Mark's, but I still wanted the device terribly. After years of struggling through failed speech therapy, a childhood filled with taunts and bullies and daily struggles even to this day, finally here was a device that appeared to promise instant fluency. Is there a stutterer alive who wouldn't want this?

To my dismay, I learned that just the consultation visit was over $300. The device itself costs upwards of $4000. And it's not covered by insurance. That was far out of my budget constraints. I blogged about it some time later and some of my readers offered to take up a collection and donate so that I could afford it. Now I am glad I never took them up on that offer.

Like many professionals and researchers who have decades of experience with stuttering suspected, it seems the device is only a temporary cure. For many, like Mark, the effects of the device wear off pretty quickly. And many, like Mark, are left disillusioned, embarrassed, ashamed and they often blame themselves for the failure.

Today, from a link on a stuttering website, I found that Mark has a blog of his own. I am linking to his post about the SpeechEasy device, but you can navigate from that page to his current posts. I'm glad to hear and read that Mark is doing well, has overcome the disappointment and self-loathing he felt when the device failed him and he has gone on to finish his education, get married and is living a happy and productive life. His blog should be advertised more so people can approach devices like the SpeechEasy fully informed and so those who, like Mark, were failed by the device, can be assured that they aren't alone and they do not have to live a life, laboring under feelings of failure and disappointment. Good for you, Mark, and thank you for sharing your story.

Low Birth Weight?

2010-04-21T09:51:00.000-07:00

I was reading an older post on The Stuttering Brain Blog this morning about a study that showed there was a correlation between low-birth rate and stuttering...unless I read it wrong, the study shows strong evidence that low birth weight can result in a 2-3 times greater risk for stuttering. Tom summarizes one point here:

"There is now clear empirical evidence that children in the lowest ranges of birth weight are twice to three times more likely to develop stuttering as compared to their normal-weight counterparts."

This is an interesting find for me because I was born 2.5 months premature and weighed less than three pounds at birth. Could that have increased my risk factor for stuttering? According to this study...yes. I was told that I began stuttering at around the age of three and that it appeared after I was taken from my mother and was sent to live with my grandmother. I was told I was so traumatized that I stopped talking altogether for about a month and then when I began talking again during therapy with a child psychologist, I had a severe stutter. Over the years, I have read that some people stutter because of a traumatic event. Sometimes people get into a car wreck and survive with a stutter. Because of those stories, I always just assumed the traumatic childhood event was the cause of my stutter.

This new study doesn't change my mind about that. The study just makes me believe that because of my low birth weight, perhaps I was already predisposed to stutter and the traumatic event just triggered it. I'm not a PhD like Tom, so I can't speak intelligently about such things. But, it's one idea.

Texting as an Alternative?

2010-04-19T21:28:00.000-07:00

**First, let me thank my devoted readers, some of who have emailed me to encourage me to update my blog. Thank you. I'm sorry for the absence.**

Some months back, my son and I had a conversation about why I don't call him as much as he thinks I should. It's true that I hadn't called him much, but in my favor, I text him all the time. At least once a day to ask him how he is or to just say I love him or some other brief message. In his favor, we hadn't had a meaningful conversation in a while and I guess he was feeling that absence. I told him that I just wasn't comfortable talking much on the phone because it tires me out greatly and I avoid it as much as possible. The problem was, I was avoiding it to the point that it was affecting my relationship with him.

Sure, I have to suffer a little when I call him. I struggle with blocks and hesitations...and usually by the end of the conversation, I'm worn out mentally. But, is that a worth price to pay to maintain my close relationship with my son? Of course, it is. There is a part of me that believes that he doesn't understand just how taxing it is for me to undertake a phone conversation...but will his understanding change the fact that fewer phone conversations will harm our relationship? And if not...is it a good point? Probably not.

So, though I raised more than a few justifications for my lack of calling (or answering), at the end of the conversation, I had to admit that he was right. And that it was probably a good idea to just bite the bullet and call more often, even if it was difficult for me to do so.

Having said all of that, I must admit that, when my phone does ring and I see that it's him (or anyone)...I heave a big sigh and wish I hadn't heard it or that my phone was accidentally left in my car...but then I answer it anyway and, as usual, I struggle with fluency, become frustrated with the blocks and hesitations and wind up thinking at the end of the conversation that I surely must have come across as a stuttering, dysfluent asshole. I have a sneaky suspicion that it is not the way that I actually come across to those I speak to...but reality doesn't usually change how one feels, does it?

I still have bouts of self pity when I think about all of the people who use their phone all day long and enjoy lengthy conversations with loved ones and friends and wholly take for granted the ease with which they do all of this. But then I ultimately am pestered by my inner voice that scolds me, reminding me that I do not corner the market in pain and suffering and that millions of people struggle every day with all sorts of things, many of which are harder than what I have to go through. Blind people. Those suffering with missing limbs or barely-working limbs...people who are deaf...people who can't walk...people with Parkinson's Disease, Multiple Sclerosis...and many, many more.

In retrospect, I have to admit to myself that my struggle is minor when compared to so many others. And for that, I am grateful.

Incidentally, my son was recently accepted to Georgetown University with a full, four-year scholarship. I can't complain too much, I suppose. :)

Is it a Disability?

2010-02-27T01:28:00.000-08:00

I suppose some would say that it is. It does prevent me from doing certain things that regular folks can do without really thinking about it: talking on the phone...ordering fast food comfortably...being a stand-up comic.

Okay, forget the last one, but it was a dream of mine at one time. Not saying I necessarily have the talent for it, but, even if I did, I wouldn't be able to pursue it. I have had a few people say, "Yeah, you could. Just be a stuttering comedian." That might work...if I was interested in making stuttering jokes the center of my life. I do not.

Comedians I admire the most are those who are eloquent and who can deliver a comedic punch line right on time. Comedians like George Carlin, Ellen Degeneres, Steven Wright, Bill Maher. None of them would be able to perform their comedy if they had a persistent developmental stutter.

In my current profession, I counsel teenagers and regularly lead group psychoeducational groups and do one-on-one sessions with teens who have faced trauma. Stuttering does not hinder me in this profession because I can either use tricks to avoid blocks or I can just advertise that I stutter and usually this remedies any stress or problem stuttering might have caused otherwise.

However, I would've liked to have gone on to become a licensed clinician or therapist. Where I work, the therapists and clinicians all regularly hold family sessions with the teenagers who are in the hospital over the telephone. It's part of their job. I would not be able to perform this function...at least not with any degree of fluency...and such dysfluency would surely be a terrible distraction for the troubled teens and their ailing families looking to me for direction or answers. Just calling from the hospital to the family's home, introducing myself and getting the session started is...terrifying to even consider.

I still intend to go back to school this year to get my teaching certification. That's always been a dream of mine and stuttering will not stop me from doing that. Teaching children and standing up in front of groups of people and talking has never been a problem for me...so I suppose teaching is the way to go.

Do I view stuttering as a disability? In some ways. But not to the degree that I would ever expect to be placed on Disability and paid by the State or Government because I can't work. I certainly can. And so do millions of others.

Instead, I see stuttering as more of a personal obstacle. Something that I can overcome, to the extent that I can live with it, not let it hinder my life entirely and not let control me to the point that I avoid doing things that everybody else enjoys doing. My stuttering could never do that to me. I could only do that to myself.

Advertising My Stutter?

2010-02-06T08:58:00.000-08:00

I've recently had an email exchange with a blogger friend who emailed me an article about "coming out" as a stutterer. The conversation was borne from a comment left on my last post "Mean People" and it really struck me as a useful idea. If I am in a stressful situation, like ordering food at a restaurant or calling a business on the telephone...simply letting the other person know that I stutter will take off the edge and will make me less judgmental of myself and more free to simply communicate, knowing that the "cat is out of the bag" so to speak. I like that idea. And I will use it.

Having said, that, I will still continue to use my tricks to avoid blocks and to avoid stuttering. The link that was emailed to me suggests that this is the wrong approach. To wit:

Advertising Stuttering Article

"...some of the most unhappy and bitter stutterers I know are moderate to mild stutterers who believe that they can hide their disfluency. They add a great deal of stress to their lives and put even greater strain on their speech. No one is fooled; not their listener, and not themselves. As a result, every misstep is seen as a risk of exposure and fills the speaker with dread at being found out. They must focus all their energies on continuing the deception and the inevitable mistake is seen as a failure which reinforces their fear of stuttering. Brick by brick, bar by bar, syllable by syllable, they construct their own prison until they permit stuttering to take control of their lives..."

Although there is much truth to what is written above, I will still use my tricks to obtain the appearance of fluency. Why? Because it makes me feel better about my communications and it makes me, ultimately, feel better about myself. A mental health professional would probably tell me that I should work to instead feel better about my "true" self, that is, as a stutterer. But, again, I disagree. My true self is who I am as a person...and stuttering is just one aspect of who I am. It's not my sole identity and it's not something that I use to identify myself, if that makes sense. My identity revolves mostly around my values...not my physical or physiological characteristics. They might tell me that I should be "okay" with having a stutter. I understand that, but it's not so simple. I can accept the fact that I stutter...admit it...not deny it...but I can also work every day to avoid doing it, just as a cripple might try to avoid falling down if he struggles with walking. I just don't embrace this notion of NOT trying to hide the fact that I stutter. Should a cripple NOT try to walk?

In my professional life and my personal life, I feel good about myself. I don't have an inferiority complex nor do I suffer from low self esteem. My stutter annoys me...that's the primary emotion that stuttering heaps upon me. It doesn't make me feel inferior or less than others or less valuable than others. It annoys me probably much the same way a leg that is 3 inches shorter than the other would annoy me. And if I had that affliction, I would do whatever I could to make both legs appear the same length and I would work hard to participate in activities that others without the affliction participate in and I would make every attempt to look just like they do when I participate.

Do you think my assessment is wrong? Should I stop trying to avoid stuttering by using tricks? If so, please explain why....while addressing what I've already said about why I do it. And, thank you for reading.

Mean People

2010-02-05T09:00:00.000-08:00

In the past month, I've had two cashiers at convenience/gas stores mock my stuttering. Both, I am sure, were completely unaware of what they were doing...they likely thought I just stumbled on a word...I would hope they wouldn't have guessed I was a stutterer and thought it would be funny to make fun of me.

Still, even knowing they likely were unaware that I was a stutterer, it still stung a little. It confirms that, if nothing else, sometimes stuttering sounds funny to people. Which is one of the main reasons that I use my tricks to mask stuttering. There are stutterers who don't feel the need to hide it and they freely stutter. Good for them. I've had an email or two from some stutterers who encourage me to do so, saying that it's liberating. I disagree. For me, it would be anything but liberating.

Shifting gears a little here, I've had to change the way I answer the phone on the unit at the hospital, because the greeting that worked perfectly for over a year has suddenly, in the past 3 weeks or so, ceased to work. I was able, for over a years time, to say, "Southwest unit, this is Tony." Now...I answer with, "Hello, southwest." and that works.

On a positive note, I have developed a group for the kids where we talk about certain disabilities and it allows me to talk about my stutter and stuttering in general...to the kids. I have found that the topic really interests the kids and then they feel free to talk about their own hangups, whether it's a physical disability or just some issue they struggle with. Although I know that children can be cruel and judgmental to each other in peer settings, when you sit them down in a group to maturely discuss personal issues, you see that there is much more going on in their heads than childish antics. Sometimes they can surprise you with their wisdom and insight.

Spammers

2009-12-15T08:23:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately, due to the many idiots who are spamming my comments with religious drivel and Viagra ads, I am forced to moderate all comments. I sincerely hope this will not discourage honest posters who want to participate in this blog. Your comments are valuable to me and I read them all.

Thank you!!
Tony
"Sign543"

"Stuttering Remedy" Website

2009-12-03T09:51:00.000-08:00

Recently, I was contacted via email by a person named "John Richards". At first I thought he was writing as a fan of my blog, but the true intent of his email became clear pretty quickly. He wanted me to visit his website http://www.stutteringremedy.com/ where he is selling his "remedy" for stuttering which costs, you guessed it, $19.99.

He said that he cured his stutter by himself when he was 18 years old. He is now over 60 years old. But, he never thought much of his own cure until, amazingly, a little over a year ago, he "texted" his cure to a 16 year old who magically had his stutter cured in a matter of minutes! Aside from the "stuttering cure" part of all of this...in what context would a 60+ year old man have opportunity to text with a minor? Did he have the permission of this minor's parents to contact him? Doesn't "John" know of the dangers of internet predators?

As you read through the site (which is structured much the same as all the scam-cure websites) it becomes obvious that "John Richards" is educated, not in speech therapy or pathology, but rather in rhetoric, emotion and how to say a whole while really saying nothing at all.

Consider this grandiose portion:

"After years of torment and useless expensive therapeutic treatments, that 16yo cured himself of his chronic stuttering in a matter of minutes by applying my suggestion which comprised one only line of text. In those few minutes his life transformed from a dark abyss to one of usefulness, value and purpose."

Only one line of text transformed the kid's life from a dark abyss to one of usefulness, value and purpose? I suffer from stuttering and it has been difficult on my life in many ways and is certainly a constant source of frustration...but my life is *far* from being useless, without value or having a lack of purpose. On the contrary, my stutter allowed me to succeed *despite* the affliction and that has only added to my life and to the purpose that I feel my life has. If that child's life lacked purpose, usefulness and value, I suggest that stuttering is not his biggest affliction, or that stuttering is even the cause of those problems...and I think...no, I am *certain* one line of text could not have "cured" him.

I've known many stutterers in my life and none have said that stuttering renders their lives devoid of usefulness, value or purpose.

At the end of the website, you are, of course, asked to enter your credit card information and then are invited to read a two-part "hub" article on stuttering. They appear to be "informational" in nature, but he, of course, provides multiple links to his "Stuttering Remedy" website, inviting you to read more of his "elaborations" on stuttering.

Feel free to peruse his website yourself and even email him at stutteringremedy@gmail.com

Stephen King "Under The Dome"

2009-11-15T17:29:00.000-08:00

I'm so excited, I just picked up my copy of King's latest masterpiece, "Under The Dome". This is his first big epic novel since...well, since I don't know when. At a whopping 1072 pages, it promises to be epic!

There are over 100 characters to get to know. King may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I've been a fan since I was a young teen, when I borrowed "Pet Sematary" from a friend. I stayed up almost all night that night reading that book. I immediately read everything King had ever written and, to this day, I always keep close tabs on King's website to find out when the next novel is coming out.

Check out the official website for the novel:

Under The Dome by Stephen King

Lucid Dreaming

2009-11-04T09:12:00.001-08:00

I've had lucid dreams many times in the past, but this morning I had the most vivid. I was with my brother, living in some big house somewhere and we shared the house with some other people, most of whom were either Hispanic or Asian. I don't know why we were living there, in reality, my brother has a wife and 2 kids. A lot of random things went on in the dream, most of which are unremarkable and ordinary, but at some point when I was laying in bed in the dream, suddenly, I knew I was dreaming. I can't remember what event sparked it.

But, at the moment I realized I was dreaming, I jumped up out of bed and said, "I'm going to explore this place." At that moment, I suddenly had the sensation of being in a simulation-type program...as if I was moving my waking body to navigate the dream world. I was so aware of it, that I stood still, afraid that my focusing on it would make the real world come through. And as I turned my head to look around, the environment would sort of shimmer for a moment and I could barely make out my waking world bedroom. But, just for a second...then my dream environment would come back into focus. I felt like I had some control over this. At some point, I began to doubt that it was, in fact, a dream, so I decided to test the theory and somehow, I forced myself awake, but I was not standing up as I was in the dream...I was still in bed.

The strange thing about lucid dreaming for me is...even though I know I'm dreaming, I'm not at all aware of what my waking world looks like. Except for this latest dream. Weird. Also, almost all of my lucid dreaming occurs after I have awoken in the morning and then decide to go back to sleep. I have my most vivid dreams at those times.

Care to share your lucid dream experiences?

Stuttering Discrimination Question

2009-10-28T10:25:00.000-07:00

A reader of this blog emailed me with a legal question, since I did attend law school. I will keep him anonymous since I don't have his permission to cite him, but basically what he asked was, if a bar threw him out because they mistook his stutter for being overly intoxicated, could he sue the bar? Here was my reply, leaving out the greetings and formalities and adding some corrections:

A law suit would likely be unsuccessful for a few reasons. First, most law suits are about damages...money lost. In this case, you lost nothing except your pride. Second, although you could sue based upon an act of discrimination against you, it would likely fail because, when assessing the actions of a person who has "wronged" you, courts mostly use the "reasonable person" standard. Here is how it works:

Courts ask..."Would the reasonable person in the shoes of the other guy have done what he did?" If not, you would likely win the law suit. If yes, the other guy wins.

Here is one argument for the defendant: To a reasonable bartender who deals with intoxicated individuals every day in his job, it's not unreasonable that he might confuse someone with a stutter...with someone who is having a hard time communicating because he is drunk. The two people might look very similar to him and, given his responsibility to stop serving alcohol to someone who is very drunk, it might be reasonable for him to take the chance that you are lying about your stutter...and deny you further service. How would you expect him to know the difference? What if you were lying and he continued to serve you and then you drove your car drunk and killed a child. Could the bartender be liable for failing to cut off your alcohol? Possibly. It's been done before.

So, his actions might be deemed reasonable by a jury, given that, 1) he can't be expected to tell the difference between a drunk man and a stutterer who has been drinking and 2) he has an affirmative duty to the public to act responsibly in his position as a bartender.

That's the argument the bartender's lawyer might make...and it's pretty persuasive.

An argument for the plaintiff might sound like this:

Would the reasonable bartender have simply denied you further service based upon how well you did or didn't speak alone? A prudent bartender would inquire further, perhaps questioning the friends that were with him, to see if the stutterer's claims were valid. Given how society usually treats stutterers, the teasing and taunting they face, and the many comedians who parody them in their acts, and the disdainful manner they are portrayed in films and on television, it's reasonable to assume that this bartender was likely repulsed by the stutter and simply decided to treat him unfairly, and then tried to justify it by saying that the man was too drunk. What other evidence existed that he was too drunk? Did the man stumble about? Was his speech slurred? If not, why was he denied service? This bartender did not act in a prudent fashion because he based his accusations of drunkenness on flimsy evidence and the result is that my client was needlessly ostracized and discriminated against for a disability.

That argument might persuade some, but I think the former argument is stronger.

What do you guys think?

My McDonald's Blunder

2009-10-27T13:45:00.000-07:00

So, the other day, I was at McDonald's ordering my daily double-quarter-pounder-with-cheese (no onions)...which I then eat on my way to work. Don't worry, my cholesterol is very low, my metabolism is very high and I weigh somewhere around 150lbs. Anyway, one of my triggers for blocking is...ordering food. I hate to order food almost as much as I hate answering the telephone. At the McDonald's where I stop, they know me very well and they always just automatically place my order when I approach because I order it so often. Bless them.

Not on the day in question.

To my dismay, as I approached, I noticed the cashier was someone I didn't know. Damn. I was going to have to tell her my order. Maybe I'd be fluent. Maybe I wouldn't be.

"Can I help you?"

Okay, breathe. You can do this. "I'd like...a double quarter pounder with cheese, no onions, please and a bottle of water." Yes! I did it!

Except, right after I ordered, she leaned over, one hand cupped to her ear. "I'm sorry, quarter pounder, sir?"

Shit! I almost can never say the same thing twice without stuttering. "Double quarter pounder. No onions. And water." I did it! Again!

But, she leans in once again. "I'm sorry, double quarter pounder and what?"

Okay, I'd had enough. "And a bottle of water! Geez!!"

At that point, she looked up, visibly blanched and said, "Sir, I have a hearing problem."

Well, I felt like a total loser. Not only that, but the people standing around all looked at me like I was pond scum. I was going to apologize and explain why I had become annoyed...but I just froze, paid for the sandwich and prayed it would arrive very fast so I could get the hell out of there. Interestingly, I have been to that same McDonald's like 5 times since and she hasn't been there. I wonder if she quit or something.

All said and done, it was an unfortunate event brought about by the meeting of two people with different communication problems and neither realizing it.

Steven Stanley on YouTube

2009-10-22T08:35:00.000-07:00

Leys Geddes (left), Chair of http://www.stammering.org, was good enough to alert me to the fact that Steve Stanley is now advertising his quack "stuttering cure" on YouTube. You'll remember that I've recently been blogging about Steve Stanley's 9-minute "stuttering cure" on this blog...I even purchased the cure for $37.00 so that I could find out what this cure is, since he doesn't reveal what it is in his advertisements. (scroll down to see the post where I explain what I purchased)

Leys wrote to me...

"We've been chasing Steve Stanley for over a year. We've made six complaints to our Advertising Standards Authority about his entirely unsupported claims, and every single one of them has been upheld. So what they call adjudications have been issued against Steve Stanley and Google, as his 'affiliate marketer, (i.e. they earn money for every click through from Steve's ads to one of his websites) telling them both to stop using these ads. With a bit of luck, Google will encourage Steve to stop publicising all these incredible and irresponsible 'cure' claims, because it does not reflect well on them. That's probably why he's saying he may have to close down that site.

Steve has recently migrated to YouTube - enter stutter cure in the search box - where he continues to advertise his, er, cure - but for free, of course. We are chasing him there too - see http://www.stammering.org/adverts.html I'm delighted to say that when the International Stuttering Awareness Day online conference opens on October 1st, Judy Kuster will be publicising this campaign."

I think we should all be aware of the latest scams that are out there, preying on the desperation of stutterers and stammerers to find a cure. It's the vilest form of deception because they seek to financially profit by exploiting the desperation of stutterers/stammerers like you and me who are desperate to find a cure. I encourage everyone who reads this to visit Steve Stanley's YouTube channel and let him know that we are aware of what he's doing and we are spreading the word to shut down scam artists like him.

Steve Stanley's YouTube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/coryveit33

Stuttering at Work

2009-10-12T09:37:00.000-07:00

One of my duties as a counselor is to occasionally tape a recorded report of the shifts' events for the on-coming shift. I say occasionally because it's primarily the nurse's job to perform this function, but often circumstances arise that make this difficult or inconvenient. We record the shift report only on my shift because my shift ends at 11:30pm and the only shift interested in the report would be the next morning's shift...not the overnight shift when the kids are all asleep, although they are free to listen to it.

The day shift gives the shift report in person and there is no reason to record it.

I recorded the shift report three nights this past weekend...Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday night. The report is recorded in a closed room, so I was by myself with nobody around to hear me record it, yet, I had much difficulty getting through it while being fluent. Ordinarily when I am speaking alone in a room I am almost completely fluent. But not while recording myself. Why do you think this is?

Could it be that...I realize that my voice is being recorded and that those that hear it will ONLY hear my voice and so there is added pressure to be fluent? I view it much as a phone conversation where the listener has a delayed hearing of my end of the conversation. Since I am most dysfluent while speaking on the phone, it would only make sense that making a recording that is much like having a one-sided phone conversation that I know will be heard later by the listener...would also give me just as much trouble.

Incidentally, I was able to record a fully fluent report all three days by intermittently stopping the recording when I came to a word or phrase that gave me trouble or going back and recording over stuttering events. It took longer because of this, but I was at least happy with the result.

The Millions of Real Heroes!

2009-09-30T09:24:00.000-07:00

My friend, Tom Weidig, of The Stuttering Brain Blog has launched his own campaign to honor the millions of stutterers/stammerers around the world who live successful lives each and every day while living with a stutter or stammer. He has done this in response to the American Institute of Stuttering having recently honored two well-known celebrities who overcame stuttering in their youth. Both of these celebrities (Emily Blunt and American Vice President Joe Biden) suffered from a stutter in their youth, but for some reason or other, their stutter disappeared.

Tom's idea is that, why should we honor two former stutterers when we should instead be honoring those of us who live each and every day with the struggles of dysfluency? Aren't the millions of stutterers who live and work and thrive each and every day *despite* having a debilitating speech impediment...better role models? I think so. Check out Tom's post at the link below. He also has started a Facebook Group that you will want to check out.

http://thestutteringbrain.blogspot.com/2009/06/millions-of-real-heroes.html

http://www.new.facebook.com/group.php?gid=22864043247

QUACKERY ALERT!! - "KillYourStutter"

2009-09-29T16:00:00.000-07:00

Well, folks, we have another QUACK online who created a website called http://www.killyourstutter.com claiming to have a "100% Guaranteed" cure that can be had in under 10 minutes, and costs...you guessed it...$37!

Doesn't this sound all too familiar? If not, scroll down to read about my experience with Steve Stanley's 9-Minute Guaranteed Stuttering Cure. To sum up Steve's "cure", you simply think of the words you normally stutter on...find a secluded place and scream them out loud over and over and sing them out loud at the top of your lungs (why not from the bottom of your lungs? The bottom of our lungs are usually so neglected, aren't they?) In case you were wondering...this method will do nothing for your stutter/stammer. Sorry, Steve.

"Kill Your Stutter" claims to have cured thousands of stutterers...though, I don't know how since the website has only been in existence for about three months. Of particular interest is that...his stated reason of why we stutter almost exactly mirrors the explanation given by Steve Stanley's site:

From KillYourStutter: "The reason most people stutter is because they want to get into certain emotional states of mind that cause them to begin stuttering, these emotional states act almost like a trigger.

From StopStuttering: Here is the single reason why you stutter Is because you want to you get in certain emotional states of mind that cause you to begin stuttering.

The authors are allegedly different, however. This most recent "cure" is authored by Ari Kreitberg...though the domain is owned by registered by someone by the name of Lal Arjurn who lives in Canada. You can contact him through his personal information which is advertised publicly:

Lal, Arjun 31 Country Estates Drive, Unionville, Ontario L6C1A4, Canada (905) 927-1510

The simple fact is, these people, these scam artists, these degenerate, money-grubbing dipshits...capitalize on the handicaps of innocent people who are desperate for help. Who wouldn't fork out $37...hell, even $137 for an instant cure for stuttering? I certainly would! But, there is no instant cure for stuttering. There is no guarantee for any cure for stuttering. If there was, we would have heard about it from the leading experts in the field who spend millions of dollars every year on research.

I say we take the advice of a recent commenter, Mark, who suggested that we take these links to these scam sites and post them all over messageboards to warn stutterers/stammerers about them...encourage people to write to these idiots and let them know that we are aware of what they are doing, how we feel about it and let them know that we will spread the word to expose them as the fraudsters they are.

I think there is a good possibility that these two websites are owned by the same guy. What do you think?

This Morning's Frustration....and New Friends!

2009-09-29T15:09:00.000-07:00

Well, I've enrolled back in school to get my teaching certificate. Unless you've personally had to apply for Federal financial aid, you have no idea of how rigorous the application process is. I HATE HATE HATE applying for Federal financial aid, the process is an exercise in page after page of meticulous information that you have to obtain from financial records, tax return forms, mostly things you file away and have to dig up. And usually you can't remember where you buried it. Grrr! I'd almost prefer scooping out my eyes! Anyway, it's done and I'm on my way.

The annoying part was...this morning I had to do a phone interview with my enrollment counselor. I swear, she must have been asking herself, "Why is this guy earning a teaching degree? He can't even talk well!" And I didn't! The interview was a full half an hour of stammering, blocks, word swapping, uncomfortable pauses and awkwardness on my part. I thought her questions were insipid, as well.

"Why do you think our intermediary education program is right for you?"

Uh...because it's the only one you offer? what kind of question is that? My answer: Because it fits my career goals. She seemed pleased with it. I wonder what she would have said if I had answered: "I don't, but I couldn't find Bachelor of Arts in Underwater Basket Weaving on your roster. "?

Later in the morning, I was forced into another uncomfortable phone conversation with one of my creditors. I was trying to make payment arrangements for a debt I incurred from a class I took a number of years ago and forgot to pay the balance. I received a bill in the mail and found, to my dismay, that there was no website on which to conduct business like making payments, etc. I conduct almost all of my finances online.

So, I was forced to call their number. I was asked to give my name, SSN, current address, phone number, hat size (just kidding) and answer a bunch of questions about why I was calling. I became annoyed at one point and said, "Look. I don't speak well. I have a stutter. The phone makes it worse. Isn't there a website on which I can do all of this? I hate talking on the phone." She was very sympathetic and proved it by asking me nearly 20 more questions about what exactly I wanted to do, what my email address was, what kind of internet connection did I have and why do fools fall in love (kidding again)...and at least 14 more useless questions.

In the end, I simply took a settlement and paid the entire balance over the phone, thanked her and hung up. *Sigh*

Anyway, good news: I am promoting two new blogs in my sidebar. The first is from a young lady named Jo who was kind enough to write to me. Her blog is cleverly titled, "StammerheadShark" and the link:

http://stammerheadshark.wordpress.com/

I enjoyed (and laughed at) her entry, "When politeness just makes life difficult", chronicling a recent attendance at a wedding:

"They were all such lovely people, eager to mingle and make light conversation, but throughout the day (and consequently more so in the evening as they all got that little/lot bit more drunk!) I found myself being given the wrong answers to enquiries I made.
Take the stammered question “Are you having a good day?”, to which the response was often a confused face and then a delayed, “No, we arrived last night…”.
Now, I’m pretty certain I wasn’t speaking another language but I think if people haven’t got the ear for understanding my stuttery speech they just try to pick up on any word they might recognise and take a wild stab in the dark. I suppose just as we do when conversing with foreigners whose language formation patterns we aren’t familiar with."

Stuttery speech. I love that. I'm pretty sure that's not a real word...but I'm gonna use it! :)

Another blog I am adding is called, "Manpreet Stammers":

http://www.manpreetstammers.blogspot.com/

Manpreet is a graduate student and offers many tips and helps for the stammerer or stutterer. His "Overcoming Fears" entry actually made me nervous as I imagined going through the experience he talks about.

"So today Dr. Sachin took us to a Hospital today and we were made to come out of our comfort zone and face our night mares. At first ,we were made to talk to some patients or their relatives who were sitting in the waiting room. I was really scared at that moment. we were suppose to talk to them and ask them about their purpose of coming here and to also tell them that we are working on our speech.we talked to 6 to 7 people out of them 4 were ladies. I always hesitated to talk to any lady, so I was very much nervous at that time too. But after talking to them I felt that there is nothing like a night mare or what ever you call it. They were really understanding our problem and were very cooperative also."

Anyway, it's nice to find other fellow stutterers/bloggers out there who share in the experience. Please visit them if you get the chance and learn something new about somebody else in this great big world of ours. Thanks for reading!!

9 Minute Stuttering Cure Update!!

2009-09-24T09:59:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I put some extra money aside...money I use for "stupid" things or for things I really don't need. In this case, I put aside $37 so I could check out Steve Stanley's 9-minute stuttering cure.

http://www.stopstutteringsecrets.com/

They say a fool and his money are soon parted...and I would normally agree, but since I set this money aside for the express purpose of finding out what this cure was...let's just say I invested in some "research" for the benefit of the curious and inquisitive.

First, the video is not 9 minutes as the page might lead you to believe. The video is 11:23 minutes long and the "magic bullet" technique is not revealed until the very end. The first 9 minutes of the video consists of a slide show accompanied by an audio recording. Presumably, it is Steve himself talking.

Some of the slides have glaring grammatical errors, at least one of which is an incomplete sentence and another is a misuse of a contraction. The slides go through Steve's opinion on why people stutter, stating people stutter because of the state of mind they are in. Throughout the video (slide show) he continually refers to the "magic bullet" technique that he will reveal at the end and even encourages you to not dismiss it because of its simplicity. He also says it will work only if you apply it. Duh.

The magic bullet? Here goes: He tells you to pause the recording and then think of certain words you have trouble speaking without stuttering....and then shout and sing those words out loud at the top of your lungs (his words) for a period of time. At one point he says to do it 100 times. He says to get in your car if you need the privacy to perform this action.

That's it!

He then says that you will be surprised at the result and encourages you to write to him to report on your success. In his latest email (I signed up for email updates) he says that his technique currently enjoys at around an 83% success rate. Given the lack of objective research, I have no idea how he can come up with any sort of reliable or even reasonable statistic.

There you have it, folks. I haven't tried the technique yet for myself...but I intend to. I won't try it now because my housemates might think I'm insane if I start shouting words that begin with the letter L out loud, much less if I begin singing them. I will wait until I'm alone in my car. I'll make an update when I have tried it.

One last word, he says that he learned the technique from Tony Robbins, the self help guru. If this is true, how does he have the legal right to charge people for it? It's not even his idea. Does Tony Robbins know that this man is peddling his idea for profit? Someone might want to tell him.

UPDATED TO ADD:

So, I did a search online to see if I could find anything about Tony Robbins and this "technique" that Steve Stanley is peddling. I couldn't find much, all I really found was this blog:

http://stopstutteringnow.org/

You'll notice that "Robert" (there is even a picture) bought a domain name that is strikingly similar to Steve Stanley's domain name...and he put it on his blog. Another thing you'll notice is that every one of his posts is about Steve Stanley's "stuttering cure" and that every post was made on April 7, 2009.

Hmmm...could this be Steve Stanley posing as an individual who has been cured?

Steve Stanley's "Stuttering Cure" Update!

2009-09-08T10:32:00.000-07:00

Apparently, Steve Stanley of "The 9 Minute Stuttering Cure" website is in some legal trouble. I signed up for email alerts from his site and this is the latest I got this morning:

"I don't know how much longer
This Website Is Going To Be Up"

Yes, get those spam emails out quick, Steve! Drain as many dollars as you can from we poor, gullible, desperate stutterers!

"I'm getting a lot of emails with lawyer threats, and other
bad stuff."

I have no idea why! I mean, your "cure" is a scientifically and medically-proven, peer-reviewed method that has a documented track record of success!

Oh, wait. No, it isn't. Not only is your "cure" not medically or scientifically proven....nobody even knows what it is! You keep that a "secret" until the buyer enters his credit card information. If it's such a great method, why keep it a secret? Would you buy some cure for an ailment without knowing what the cure is or how it works and without having any sort of documentation or statistics showing that it actually works so you can be confident spending your money on it?

"Most of the therapists and the people who own those

expensive stop stuttering hypnotherapy centers actually hate me.."

Really, Steve? They *hate* you? Or is it rather that they just "hate" that you are scamming money from desperate people who fall prey to your advertisement?

"I'm not doing anything wrong... it's just that when people
suddenly start losing their income when something better
comes a long... they look for a reason outside themselves."

You don't honestly think that your little website is causing the entire medical/psychology community to lose money, do you?

"Instead of making a better product they try to bring me down."

How can they bring you down...when nobody even knows who you are? There is no biographical information on your page. No medical/psychological/educational credentials at all. Exactly who are you and what makes you qualified to offer cures for anything?

"I'm going to fight this to the end because I believe in my
course 100%... and back it up 100% as well."

You believe in it? That's great! But, if you are expecting people who stutter to simply take your "word" for it and then pay you without any information at all about what it does or how effective it is...perhaps you aren't as smart as you think you are.

Rufus Wainwright Show

2009-09-07T04:46:00.001-07:00

A few weeks ago, I was able to see Rufus Wainwright in concert. If you're not familiar with him, I suggest looking him up on Youtube. I didn't get a picture with him, but I did get one with Lucy Wainwright, his sister. She opened for Rufus and she was fantastic. I bought both of her cd's...which she was good enough to sign for me.

-- Posted from my iPhone

iPhone Test

2009-09-07T04:39:00.001-07:00

This entry is just a test to see if I'm able to blog from my iPhone. I am using an application called BlogPress...if interested, you can find it in iTunes. It says that you can write entries using WYSIWYG, but I'm not seeing that. I guess I should play around with the settings before I render a verdict.

The best thing thus far is landscape typing. Even with just my thumbs, I'm able to type pretty fast with virtually no mistakes. So far, I give this app 5/5 stars. More soon! Happy Sunday!

-- Posted from my iPhone

"I Used To Stutter"...cured? Not so fast.

2009-08-29T03:38:00.000-07:00

I came across a man on YouTube whose channel name is "Iusedtostutter" or, in plain terms, "I Used To Stutter". His name is Rechaud and you'll find his YouTube channel here:

http://www.youtube.com/user/IUsedToStutter

He has uploaded six videos and they are all about his method of over-coming stuttering by speaking "From the heart". From what I have gathered, he is a former student of Tony Robbins, the self-help guru who has empowered millions of people through his motivational speaking venues, many books and tapes. There is no doubt that Tony Robbins has helped many people and there is no doubting that many of his methods of self-help are real and work. Often, what holds us back is our own fears and our own psychological mindset. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. And perhaps there is some truth to the notion that part of our stuttering is caused by a psychological loop of failure that continually leads to even more dysfluency.

What bothers me about Rechaud's videos is that he says that we "choose" to stutter. He says that it fulfills some need in our life that makes us reliant or addicted to stuttering. These are emotionally appealing statements, but they are not based on any real scientific proof or medical research. I am also bothered by the fact that he claims he has found the cure for stuttering. Here is why:

One of the first things I notice about Rechaud is that, despite his claims, he clearly still stutters. I don't point this out to say, "Haha, look, you still stutter, so you're lying!" I point it out to show that he is clearly applying a positive-affirmation sort of technique that, by virtue of just saying he used to stutter, somehow it will manifest through confidence and sheer will power. Rechaud's stutter is minimal. I will give him that. But, listen to the very affected way he speaks. He calls that, "speaking from the heart", but, really, it's just a form of distraction. The same thing manifests in many stutterers when they speak with a foreign accent, or when they pretend they are John Wayne or when they act from a script.

It's actually a well known form of speech therapy. When some stutterers speak in a very affected voice, their stutter virtually disappears. The problem with this form of speech therapy is that, instead of focusing more on the words you are speaking, you are focused more on HOW you are speaking the words. And it works as long as you keep up the affected voice. What inevitably happens, though, is that eventually, you are unable to keep up the affected voice for too long. It becomes tiring and wearisome, not only for the stutterer, but also to the listener, as well. Imagine trying to use that affected, "Tony Robbins" preachy voice when you are at Starbucks sitting across from your best friend. The method works well when you are trying to motivate someone through a motivational speech. It will work well when you are preaching some religion. It will work well when you are speaking about something emotional. But, if you sit down and use it to tell someone how to change a spark plug, you would sound like an idiot.

And don't forget the most important thing about this method: it simply doesn't work for every stutterer. As is the case with all therapies and methods.

For proof of my observations about Rechaud, go watch his latest video where he is standing in his kitchen talking about his method. You'll notice he is in full form, preaching about his cure in a very loud, affected voice, replete with hand gestures and very enunciated, emotionally punctuated words placed carefully throughout his speech. He sounds like a motivational speaker. Even still, if you are a seasoned stutterer, you'll pick up on the hesitations, the carefully chosen words...two big signs that he is avoiding blocking situations. I use this same method when I do public speaking, groups with my kids at the hospital and even when I counsel one-on-one with a kid. It's being in "On" mode and it does work. The problem is, you can't do it all the time.

Next, watch one of his videos where he is casually sitting in his living room, talking about the same cure, but the affected voice is gone and he is just having a conversation. The blocks are more frequent and at one point, he excuses himself for what is clearly a block and then reprimands himself for doing so.

Let me be clear: I am not making this post to impugn Rechaud or anyone's endeavor to "speak from the heart" in order to become fluent. I am posting this to reveal exactly what we are talking about here. It's not a cure...it's a method that will give some people more confidence and it's a method that will work sometimes with some people, but as we can clearly see with Rechaud, it doesn't even work all of the time with people who undertake it. If it helps to build your confidence, then I applaud your endeavor. If it makes you feel ashamed because you believe him when he tells you that you still "choose to stutter", then I say shame on Rechaud. The method simply will not work for everybody.

If it were a "cure" as Rechaud is saying, the method wouldn't even be necessary after awhile. When I got my polio vaccine as a child, there was nothing else I had to do to avoid being infected by the dread disease. It was a done deal with the vaccine. The fact that Rechaud has to apply his method every day in his speaking situations is proof positive that it's not a cure...it's a fluency method. And if it continues to work for him or anybody else, that is wonderful.

Is Health Care A RIGHT?

2009-08-28T09:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, I stutter, but that doesn't make me stupid. :) Let me explain. I am completely 100% for every person having access to affordable, quality health care. But, I do not think that health care is an inalienable right. I think it's a service that we decide to provide to every citizen, either through private health insurance or a public option that we, as citizens, decide to fund through our taxes.

Why do I believe it is not a right? Because a right is something you have access to that requires nobody else to do anything or provide anything. I have the right to free speech, but nobody is required to provide me with a microphone or a stage or a CNN camera or air time. For my own free speech, I have to provide the means myself through my own efforts, money, bargaining skills, etc.

I have the right to eat...but I do not have the right to food. If I want food, I have to earn it, work for it, pay for it, or bargain for it, or grow it myself. Nobody is forced to give me food. If I have a right to food, then somebody else is required to work, pay, grow, or provide it for me. My right to food necessarily creates a slave.

Does that make sense?

At the basic, level, a right should never require or force anybody else to do anything for you. If it does, it's not a right. It's a service.

Health care is broken in The United States. We have 47 millions individuals who cannot afford health insurance. Would I be open to a publicly funded Public Option? Sure. As long as it's Constitutional and as long as we the people...know what's in it and we approve it ourselves. I do believe that every citizen deserves to have affordable, quality health care. EVERY citizen.

BEWARE of QUACKERY!

2009-08-27T09:11:00.000-07:00

As stutterers, most of us from time to time have been tempted to believe there is a "cure" or a "quick fix" for our frustrating condition. For my part, I have, in the past, scoured the internet looking for someone's genius invention or "cure" that I might apply to my own speech. In all of my years of reading, researching, and experience, I have only one conclusion to report: There simply isn't one.

Sadly, due to our desperation in finding a cure, we might sometimes be tempted to believe everything we read from some who prey on our desire to speak fluently. It's even more sad that there are people out there who prey on the afflicted. Their goal? Money. Obviously.

Here is a bit of quackery I ran across just this morning in my search for information. This quack boasts a cure for stuttering in 9 easy minutes! Really? Just 9 minutes? Wow! He must be a genius! Uh...not so fast. Have a look:

Cure Your Stutter in 9 Minutes!

You'll notice a moderately lengthy, very appealing letter detailing what causes stuttering. Never mind the millions of dollars and many decades of research that have been undertaken by professionals, linguists, speech pathologists and doctors around the world...suddenly this guy (Steve Stanley...who is he?) "knows" what causes stuttering. Permit me to doubt.

Next, you are taken to a page where you get to hear a grainy, unprofessional-sounding audio clip...another appeal to your emotions. He asks you to put your email into the box and there is a button below that says "FREE ACCESS' to the miracle-cure 9-minute video. I don't know what the email is for...you can just go right to the page yourself from the audio clip page. When I got to the email, it was just another emotional appeal and the same information just re-worded. And a link, of course.

Once you click that final page...BINGO...it's not "free" after all. You are immediately taken to a page where you are prompted to enter personal and credit card information. The cost for this miracle? $37.00

One other thing that should clue you in to the "hoax factor". He boasts that his "cure" is 100% GUARANTEED! If it's guaranteed, why is the phone number out of service and the email not working when you try to contact?

If this "cure" actually worked, our good friend Steve Stanley would be up for the Noble Peace Prize for Medicine. Instead, he is up for the prestigious distinction of being...THE QUACK OF THE DAY!

Rescuers Desperately Needed!

2009-08-27T07:46:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite blogs to follow is The Biggest Loser: Canine. It's a wonderful and heart-warming blog about the rescue of a beautiful, two-year old yellow English lab who was being used as a back-yard breeder. (first photo is BEFORE) Even though a mere two-years of age, she was grossly overweight and had a myriad of health problems and the neglect which was obviously heaped upon her was glaringly obvious. Through the blog, you are able to watch, almost daily, as Lara finds her way back to good health and youth through the loving efforts of her new foster home and through the efforts of the loving professionals that have taken an interest in her.

(Lara AFTER) The problem is, there are more animals out there than there are willing rescuers. There are so many who are willing to give a hearty "Way to go!" to those who spend their time and resources for a needy friend such as Lara, but so few who are willing to do much more. I have been guilty of this myself.

I think it's time to actually do something...even if it's just donate a little money to worthy organizations who do have the time to give to our needy animal friends.

To quote the blog itself:

"Happy endings like these are few and far between.

Only a handful of animals can be helped unless the general public is willing to get involved.

If you want to be part of the solution you can do so in several ways: fostering, adopting, donating money, public relations, fund raising and screening/placing prospective foster and adoptive families.

Look for shelters and rescue centers in your hometown. You'll be surprised at the need that exists!

If you have time, go check out The Biggest Loser: Canine. You will certainly be blessed by Lara's wonderful rescue story.

Camp Our Time!

2009-08-26T08:22:00.000-07:00

I was blessed this morning when I undertook my usual morning routine of visiting the various news outlets, YahooNews, CNN, FoxNews and others. I like to get a balanced approach. Browsing Yahoo News, my eye spotted a headline about stutterers who sing to overcome their stutter at a camp. I clicked and watched the video and my heart nearly burst from joy. Here is a camp (Camp Our Time) of 8-18 year old young people, all who stutter, who come together to celebrate their stutter, to be free from the daily stresses of being teased and ostracized and to enjoy the company of others who share in their experiences.

Here is the video: http://gmy.news.yahoo.com/vid/15222775

In the video, you will meet a few of the kids at the camp, hear from the camp's founder, Taro Alexander and find out what they experience there. Mostly, though, you will see smiling, happy faces and you'll hear kids singing and rapping and experiencing acceptance and confidence through the arts.

Here is a link to the Camp Our Time blog: http://campourtime.blogspot.com/

And here is their Official Website: http://www.ourtimetheatre.org/3_5.html

Take a few minutes to explore the website, you'll get to hear the music they create, see photos of the camp and activities and find the huge difference they are making in these young people's lives. In the midst of our difficult economic times when politicians are debating health care and citizens are up in arms around our country at townhall meetings and the like...it's nice to hear some good, heartwarming news.

Thank you, Taro Alexander and thank you to your staff, as well.

Kids Less Critical Than Adults

2009-08-23T09:08:00.000-07:00

I'm a children's counselor by profession and my first concern going into this profession was the possibility that the kids I see might be more prone to highlight or even poke fun at my stutter. From my experiences in childhood, this seemed likely since the most teasing I got was because of stuttering. In fact, it made my childhood a nightmare at times. Children can be very brutal to one another, I observe this even in my profession. Children are very blunt with one another and will readily point out a flaw in a peer with little or no hesitation or discretion. "Damn, those are ugly shoes!"

But, in my limited experience as a counselor, I've yet to have one child make fun of my stuttering when it manifests. Oh, I have had a few point it out and ask me why I talk that way sometimes, but not even one has made fun of me because of it. On the other hand, I've had a few colleagues who have, playfully, mimicked me in one situation or another...playful banter on a break or some similar occasion. It hasn't really bothered me, per se, but it's an interesting observation.

When I first came into this profession, I was told to reveal few personal facts about myself to kids, because kids will use anything to attack you, even your personal life. And I've heard many kids call other counselor all sorts of horrible names like, "You fat, bitch!", but I've yet to be called anything. Perhaps it's my temperament and approach. I approach every child with the attitude that they are valuable and are worth getting to know. Some counselors I've seen approach kids with the attitude of, "I know what you need and you need to listen to what I say, you're just a kid." That attitude will never garner respect or trust from anyone, much less a child.

Anyway, that's what's on my mind this lovely Sunday morning.

Stuttering and Essential Tremor?

2009-08-18T16:07:00.001-07:00

About 4 years ago, I was diagnosed with Essential Tremor, which is a condition that has symptoms similar to Parkinson's Disease, except the tremors manifest during activity, rather than at rest. My tremors are extremely mild compared to many sufferers and most people don't notice I have it unless they spend more than a few minutes in my presence. To give an example of a manifestation, if I use my right arm (most affected) to put a cap on a bottle, the arm threatens to jerk around on it's own, seemingly, and the harder I try to get the cap on, the worse it gets. Threading a needle is all but impossible and once I almost threw a cup of coffee in my own face. If I hold a piece of paper up to read it with that hand, it shakes almost uncontrollably. In fact, the last example is what alerted my coworkers to my condition and a recommendation to see a doctor.

Most recently, I'm having discomfort in my right shoulder. It's not pain exactly, it's a general feeling of discomfort and unease in that shoulder. It's very difficult to explain. I feel like it's almost glowing, if that makes sense. Like something is going wrong with it. Sometimes I fear to hold out my arm, because it feels like my arm will just slip out of the socket. That's a strange sensation to describe but it's very annoying and I don't really want to go back to the doctor.

I am wondering if there are a significant number of either stutters or ET's who also have the other condition. I am wondering if the two conditions are related. Both seem to have neurological elements and both have unknown sources, except for heredity, perhaps.

I have tried to find information on ET websites, but most are filled with older people who suffer from a myriad of conditions in addition to ET and I find myself lost in a sea of posts filled with complaints about not only ET, but fibromyalgia, sciatica, herniated discs, migraines, medication side effects, leaky bowel syndrome, insomnia and gout, amongst other things. My condition is only mild and aside from Essential Tremor, I am completely healthy. My last cold was nearly three years ago.

Anyway, just wanted to write about that because my right arm is bothering me right now and I wish I had answers.

What is Stuttering Like?

2009-08-10T05:45:00.000-07:00

Imagine that you are able to walk normally down the street, but as soon as you enter the mall, you can only walk normally sometimes. Every once in a while, however, you are unable to walk normally and you suddenly fall down at random moments, seemingly for no reason at all.

Imagine that you are able to see perfectly well while you are driving, but once you get to work, suddenly, your eyes cross and you can't focus on what you are looking...but it only happens once in a while and you can't control when those moments come.

Imagine that you are able to eat normally while you are at home, but when you visit your favorite restaurant, sometimes, unpredictably, your arms refuse to bring the spoon to your mouth, but instead, sling the food over your head or across the table. But, it only happens sometimes and you can't know when those times are coming.

That sounds frustrating, doesn't it?

That is similar to the frustration felt by many stutterers. We can be perfectly fluent in some situations...while in others, we suddenly lose the ability to say two words in a row without sounding like we've had a stroke. No rhyme, no reason.

There are patterns, sometimes. For example, if I'm watching television with a friend and they say, "That guy! That actor! I know him! What's his name?" There is no way I'll be able to answer, even if I know. Why? I don't know.

If someone asks me how old my son is. I have to say, "He'll be 8 next year" because I can't say "seven" during those moments. (My son is not seven, by the way). Why? No idea.

Some years, I have a lot of trouble saying words that begin with "S", but then the next year, it will be words that begin with "L". Why does it change? No idea.

Anyway, this was just on my mind today. I'm on vacation still. Until Thursday. And I'm bored. :)

Stuttering Jack Blog

2009-08-10T05:30:00.000-07:00

I would like to welcome Stuttering Jack to my blog. He has a very powerful and informative blog of his own here: http://www.stutteringjack.com/

He made a very interesting point on his blog recently. He said, and I'm paraphrasing, that if you are fluent in one situation, you can be fluent in any situation. You just have to find the state of mind you were in when you were fluent...and duplicate that. If I slaughtered his words, forgive me.

But, it's a wonderful point, isn't it? If I can be fluent in one situation...shouldn't I at least have the capacity to be fluent all the time? What's different in a situation where I have blocks on every other word and situations where I feel completely at ease and can talk for a great length of time with virtually no blocks?

I counsel children. That's my job. And when I am doing my job, I am almost always fluent. In addition, when I stand up in front of a crowd to speak or to do a presentation, fluency is my best friend. I am confident, I am sure of myself and I speak very well. In college, I was known for my ability to do presentations. I always made the best grades and other students always wanted to be in my group projects.

But, damn it to hell, if the phone rings, suddenly, I tense up, my palms sweat and there have been times when I picked up the phone and couldn't even say "hello". I have hung up on people in those situations.

I've walked up to the counter at McDonalds and have ordered things I didn't even want...just because I couldn't say what I wanted. I've walked through doors held open by strangers and didn't say "thank you" because...I couldn't.

Jack says that these things can be treated through cognitive behavioral therapy/training. I know what that is, I was a psych major in college. But, how do I apply this to my own life? What sort of treatment would help me to find that fluent state of mind that I have when I am speaking in front of a crowd? Do I find myself struggling to be fluent at McDonalds because, in my mind I know that the cashier doesn't know me and I think she's secretly judging me before I say anything?

Do I struggled on the phone because I know my voice is the only thing I am presenting to the caller since they can't see my face or what I am wearing?

Would simple positive affirmations repeated over and over in my head daily help me to overcome those stressors?

Jack makes very good points in his blog and I've yet to read all of his entries. I just wish I knew how to translate "good blog entries" into practical steps towards fluency.

Check out his blog, though. It's definitely worth the time.

A Poem from Ray

2009-02-27T21:38:00.000-08:00

I met a wonderful person on YouTube who is also a stutterer. He's a charming person who also happens to be a talent poet. He shared this poignant poem with me today and I was really moved by it. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

Speech impediment, walking around as this world wide idiot.
Sharing, talking and flowing, oh how I can only wish.
These teeth, tounge and lips,
I would be more than happy if I all I had were a lisp.
Red light, stop. Yellow light, stop. Green light; yeah right!
Crying inside and I hurt so much, nothing in me to aid as a crutch.
I talk then I mumble and I crash then I crumble.
Stuttering not words, but these thoughts and my feelings.
These walls I'm climbing and my skin I'm peeling.
I wish I can speak, instead I am left to seek.
No answers to behold and no courage to feel bold.
What did I say? What did you hear?
Have no fears for I am used to these tears.
My pride is in me, my pride is this...
no matter how grim it gets,
I will not give up in this darkend abyss.

~Ray (You can see him on Youtube at http://www.youtube.com/Zerohax369 )

At Home is the Worst

2009-02-08T18:20:00.000-08:00

I stutter the most when I am at home with family members or friends. It's horrible. I've had the weekend off and my stuttering has been awful all weekend! At work, I have the easiest time and I can't figure out why that is. When I sit down to counsel the kids or do a group therapy session, I am almost completely fluent and am only forced to use a few "tricks" to get through an approaching block. Even with colleagues, I have an easy time of it. I get home, however, and suddenly, I can't say anything completely fluent.

Could it be that when I am at work, I am "on" and this helps me to be fluent? Maybe I don't act the same at work as I do at home. Maybe I turn on a different kind of persona at work...a professional persona that somehow, psychologically, makes an end-run around stuttering.

Or maybe I don't know my ass from my elbow. *shrugs*

At any rate, it's been a source of frustration for me lately and I'd be interested to know if you notice similar trends in your professional/personal life. HAPPY GRAMMY AWARDS!!

Progress

2009-01-28T10:05:00.000-08:00

I have begun to tackle my fear of answering the phone at work. And by so doing, I have even had the pleasure of having incidences where I was completely fluent and was not forced to use "tricks" to get through it. Most answer the phone simply by saying the unit they've reached and then saying, "This is Mary" or some similar combination of words used to identify themselves.

What I've been doing is using my own combination of words. Sometimes I'll leave out parts of the greeting that are difficult to say. For example, I might simply say, "Hello, this is Tony". Or I might simply say, "Intensive unit". Once, I had to pretend I forgot what unit I was on, "This is Tony...um, where am I? Oh, yeah, Intensive." I could sense a block coming...and the feigned forgetfulness is all that was necessary to get through.

Don't get me wrong, every single time the phone rings on the unit, my throat almost closes up and my anxiety level skyrockets, but I'm finding it less and less scary the more I do it.

Recently, one of the kids called me out on my stuttering. "You stutter!" and it kinda took me by surprise, but it didn't really bother me. In fact, in a strange reverse-psychological-moment sort of way, I was able to explain stuttering to the kid while being completely fluent. Go figure.

Anyway, that's my story for today. Now, I have to go dig my car out of the snow before work. *sigh*

My Son

2009-01-15T09:54:00.000-08:00

Yes, he's now a teenager, but this is still one of my favorite recordings by him. "My Heart Will Go On"

Is it just laziness?

2009-01-15T09:15:00.001-08:00

I have read many blogs, articles and websites that offer different therapies for stutterers/stammerers, but if you're like me, you really can't be bothered with any of them. It's not that I don't think they won't work, I just don't believe that the results will justify the work involved. In fact, I get tired just thinking about all of the work that will likely go in to a program whose results will be hard to measure or even detect. Am I just being cynical? Perhaps. Am I merely lazy? Probably a little.

I was in speech therapy for many years as a child and the results were frustrating. Many would argue that the therapies provided in the late 70's to mid 80's might have been unsuccessful, largely because of the outdated methods (talking with a metronome, etc), but I've read some articles recently and the methods don't seem all that updated, cutting edge or innovative. One recent therapist outlined a method of "canceling" wherein the stutterer is to cancel out secondary characteristics of a block that he or she just had...and then speak the word again. For example, if you squint your eyes during a block when attempting to speak the word "stutter"...you should then not squint your eyes and then attempt the word again.

Since I have no idea of the success or failure rate of this method, and since implementing this method into my daily work life would be grossly impractical, I can't really see the value of it. However, maybe it would be useful to others.

If you have methods or therapies that have proven to be successful in your life, I'd love to hear about them.

No Rhyme. No Reason.

2009-01-12T03:51:00.000-08:00

I've been looking back through the comments on my blog and feel terrible that so many questions to me have gone unanswered. Time just does not permit me to spend the needed time to address every comment or question, so I do apologize.

I do want to address one question that was asked: Is there a predictable pattern that allows me to know when I will or won't be fluent? Simple answer: No.

If you watch my YouTube videos, you might be tempted to think, "Hey, this guy is pretty fluent! He goes entire paragraphs without stuttering!" And you would be justified in saying so. That's because there are controlled environments where I can enjoy extended periods of fluency. Mostly this happens when I turn on my camera and have a script and use my affected voice. Many are aware that when stutterers talk in an affected voice or with an accent, stuttering all but disappears. It doesn't really work as a therapy method, however, because the speaker is then forced to always focus on the manner of speech rather than on what's being said. For this reason, it's difficult to maintain and the stutterer will usually abandon the method in just a short time.

But there are days that come when I turn on my camera and I can't say one sentence without a frustrating block. And I never know when those times are coming. That's what is even more frustrating. And nobody knows when I've had those days, unless they see a video that has been more heavily edited than others. There have even been times when I will edit parts of a spoken word. I will stutter on a word and then will edit out the stutter that appears in the middle of the word.

The upside of all of this is...I've become a very skilled video editor and have even edited videos for other YouTube users.

Sometimes I will go to work and find that I can speak pretty fluently, using all of the tricks (for my personal tricks that I use to get around stuttering, scroll down to older post) that I've developed over the years. Other times, I can't say three words in a row without a block and sometimes my tricks will even fail me, the blocks are so bad.

And you NEVER know when those times are going to be. I just have bad days...and sometimes I have good days and there seems to be no pattern to it. No rhyme or reason. Nothing to indicate why this day I'm more fluent, while yesterday I struggled all day to say five words in a row without making the listener uncomfortable.

This is what makes stuttering such a confusing and frustrating ailment. And I'm sure this is what makes treating it be so difficult. Imagine trying to treat or cure an ailment whose symptoms are never consistent. And one whose cause is unknown. And one where the dynamics of what exactly is happening when it happens...are a mystery. Does a stutter start in the mouth? The throat? The brain? Why is it that if I fake a French or British accent..my stutter disappears? Why is it that if I know the answer to a question that's being asked, but can't say the word, that right after someone else says it, I can then say it? Why do I never stutter if I speak in unison with someone else?

These are all questions that may never be answered in my lifetime. Perhaps one day a cure or effective treatment can be found, but until then, we'll just keep asking the questions...and I'll usually only ask them in written form. It's easier that way. :)

I'm Back!

2009-01-11T12:11:00.000-08:00

I'm very sorry I took such a long break from this blog, it was actually a reader named James who inspired me to come back, thanks, James. Since my last writing, I left San Diego, moved to Pennsylvania and am now a children's counselor in a children's psychiatric hospital. The stuttering doesn't get in the way of this job hardly at all, it seems. The only thing I have trouble with at all is if I have to call out to parents or clinicians to report things. That is very difficult, because I have to introduce myself, say where I'm calling from and then wait for recognition. Talking to the kids is not difficult at all. Mostly, they just think I pause and think a lot, which is what we're supposed to do anyway. :) And doing group sessions is especially easy because, as I've indicated before, talking before groups is, strangely, the times where I stutter the least. Go figure.

Also, we carry radios at certain times in case of a crisis situation and if one occurs, we are supposed to radio to the mobile support team. I've yet to be able to do this. If ever they need to be called, I ask someone else to do it. I'm sure that if I'm in a pinch, I could do it, with stumblings, but whatever.

What continues to annoy me in my stuttering world is the people who, when they discover that I stutter, they play it off as if everyone stutters. "Oh, I do that! It's not a big deal." No, you do NOT do that. You occasionally stumble over your words as most human beings do, but you do NOT have a persistent developmental stutter that causes you daily stress in what most see as ordinary situations, like introducing yourself, or answering a simple phone call or approaching a clerk to ask him where the light bulbs are located. When you have that daily stress, then tell me, "Oh, I do that!"

I know they mean well and they don't mean to play down the condition, but it still annoys me sometimes. You, too?

I Met Richard Dreyfuss

2007-05-28T23:35:00.001-07:00

I am the inventory manager at my place of business (book store) and today I was called over to help a customer set up the wireless internet on his computer in the cafe. I was shocked to find that the customer was none other than Academy Award winner, Richard Dreyfuss. Apparently, he frequents our location about once a week and stays for hours.

I didn't react when I met him, just introduced myself. I was amused that he introduced himself, as well. I just smiled and say, "Yes, I know who you are. It's an honor."

I sat and talked with him for about half an hour...he was extremely personable, funny, asked me a lot of questions about my job and then went into an interesting discussion about the current state of technology and our access to information, etc. I didn't really catch all of what he was talking about...I was too preoccupied with the knowledge that I was talking to one of my favorite actors.

Some of my favorite movies that he was in: What About Bob...Mr. Holland's Opus...Nuts...JAWS...The Goodbye Girl...and Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

Anyway, after that, I left him and he sat working on his Mac for about 3 hours. As he began to leave, I was able to help him locate a specific book. It was all very surreal.

Yes, I'm given to being star struck. :)

Advice for Parents with Children who Stutter

2007-05-23T17:42:00.001-07:00

I am writing this in response to a question a mother posted on my recent blog entry about my video log on YouTube. She was kind enough to comment and wanted to know of my personal advice to parents with a child who stutters. Her little boy is five years of age and, like me, had (has) a severe stutter at that age. You can see her blog and her beautiful children here:

http://ryderwrong.blogspot.com/ (my Mac won't create a link, unfortunately)

The first piece of advice I will give is...to not make it a big deal AROUND him, if you know what I mean. If a parent doesn't make a big deal out of it...he won't make as big a deal out of it. If he was like me...he's already aware of it and it's a source of frustration for him. If handled the wrong way by a well-meaning, but misguided parent...it could lead to some serious self-esteem issues very quickly. This was my case, unfortunately. My parents had no idea how to address stuttering and thought it was my fault...and tried all manner of directions to me to get me to stop.

"Son, talk slower. Slooooow down, okay? No, slow down. Think about what you are saying before you say it. Calm down! Stop talking so fast! Son, you can solve your own problem. Slow it down a bit!"

I say it was my parents, but the truth is, my mother left me when I was 3 and this was when my stutter first appeared. I stopped talking altogether for about 3 months. My grandmother took me to a child psychologist and when I began talking again, I not only had a severe stutter...but also an imaginary friend who lived under the kitchen table named "Amos". My stutter is still with me...but Amos made his departure not many years later.

My mother's first husband raised me until I was 10 and his method of trying to cure my stutter was to hit me in the stomach if I stuttered. He truly thought it was my doing and thought a little firm-hand training would do the trick. Unfortunately for me, it didn't work at all and only made it much worse. He stopped doing it once he learned that it wasn't working. I think he would have been much more suited to raising cobras than children.

Second, I would research long and hard before throwing your child into therapy of any kind. Again, the wrong therapist who doesn't understand stuttering and the emotional baggage it carries can create self-esteem issues with the child. You don't want him to feel he is "flawed" or "defective". I would personally interview any therapist you might consider to find out exactly what sort of methods he or she employs.

Again, unfortunately for me, I was placed in "school" speech therapy with a speech therapist who knew very little about the affliction. I would be removed from class twice a week to sit with her in an empty room, talking along with a metronome. Amazingly enough, it worked! I never stuttered once when the metronome was on and I spoke along with it. However, since I wasn't able to carry on normal conversations while speaking to a metronome, my stutter didn't go away outside of the therapy sessions and the therapy sessions only served to make me feel damaged...flawed...weird. A freak.

After watching my videos, you might think that life is great for me and that I'm very fluent...and those things are mostly true. However, don't be fooled by what you see. I am able to adaquately mask my stutter to a very large degree. As I said, most don't even know I stutter until they talk with me for more than 5 minutes. With the videos, I can capture very eloquent moments and edit out the stuttering. That's why my vids are never just straight through...they are pieced together. I have lots of unedited footage that I discard. Mostly, the methods I use to hide the stutter are:

1. Exhaling all the air out of my diaphram in order to force a word out. I can do this so subtetly that usually NOBODY is the wiser. However, if I do it too much, I come away from a conversation very fatigued in my abdomen and in my mind. It's very tiring doing that.

2. Faking introspection. I pretend to think of what I'm saying and pretend to pause to search for a word...when really I'm at a bad block. I would stutter pretty badly if not for this method. This works pretty darn good most of the time...unless I'm pausing in a place that nobody else would pause. "I was wondering if you think this shirt matches my.............pants".

Most people at that point would have completed my sentence for me, probably wondering why I paused.

Talking on the phone to friends and family is the worst. The worst. I avoid the phone at all cost and often get angry and frustrated when talking to my mother. She still gives the same stupid advice. "Son, just slow down, calm down. Don't stress." She means well, but has no idea what it's like. My son will sometimes find it funny when I get that way. Kids. :)

Recently, I was at a job interview and had no idea that the job required me to read from a script. It wasn't a telemarketing job, but part of my managerial responsibilities was to attend to a customer service issue...and they wanted to see how I would do reading from a script. It was a pure NIGHTMARE. They must have thought I was insane. They must have wondered why my interview went very well UNTIL I began to read...and then could never complete a sentence. You see, I didn't stutter...instead, I would just stop when a block arose. I would NOT stutter, because I was too embarrassed. Instead, I just kept apolozing for being nervouse.

Of course, they didn't call me back for another interview. Don't worry, I got a great job as an Inventory Manager for a book company. Better job, anyway and no script reading. :)

I think the most difficult thing for me today is not being able to say what I want, when I want to say it. I am a big talker by nature...and have a great sense of humor and I honestly think I would have made a great stand up comic...except that I cannot be spontaneous enough for it. And I absolutely refuse to integrate stuttering into my routine. I wish for the eloquence of Ellen Degeneres or Jay Leno or Robin Williams. I often think of (what I think are) clever funny lines to things people say...but can't say them...so I keep silent. The few times I've attempted to tell a joke...the way I have delivered the punchline makes everyone forget the point of the joke to begin with. Thus...I turned my eloquence to writing. I enjoy writing probably more than anything.

Anyway, I've turned this more into a post about ME than about advice...but if at least one thing I said was of any help or illumination...then I'm satisfied. And of course, I can always write more later. :)

Delving into YouTube VLogging

2007-05-15T16:22:00.000-07:00

So, I finally did it. I want to delve into the VLOG world of YouTube....a lot of my friends are doing it, so I want to, as well. To hell with stuttering. As you'll see by the link, the video is not a trainwreck...but you'll also notice I pulled EVERY SINGLE trick I have out of my arsenal to *hide* my stutter. I think that stutterers will be able to tell...even if you didn't read this, if you stutter and you saw the video, you might suspect that I was stuttering, rather than hesitating as people sometimes ordinarily do. Also, I edited out blocks that I couldn't avoid. The version you will see is actually a lot better than the first attempt. The first attempt was horrible...I was so nervous. This one is much better. I used "word exchanging" so often that sometimes I think my sentences sound a bit awkward...or maybe I'm just be overly sensitive about it.

I think that some stutterers or therapists would tell me that this type of "masking" my stutter is not good for me...that I would do better to simply stutter. I disagree, however. If I was going to do that...I wouldn't even make any videos...and I can't imagine that's better for my self-esteem or social endeavors.

Any thoughts?

Video: http://youtube.com/watch?v=7vsQEP8UxQk

Writer's Cramp Episode

2007-04-19T09:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I interviewed for a position as a clinic adminstrator (interview went well, but not sure if I will move to that position...not enough compensation to justify it) and I noticed, much to my chagrin, that I was required to fill out a four-page application that included, among other things, a half page on which I was to write a paragraph about myself and my aspirations, goals, etc.

As I've indicated here before, I make all attempts to avoid having to write anything due to the complications that arise (including pain) from my medical writer's cramp. Ordinarily I am completely unable to get past about a line or two without serious cramping in my hand and wrist and the writing rapidly begins to fall down into illegible scribbling.

Since I didn't want my application to appear to have been written by a mental patient, I focused every bit of energy I could into keeping my hand as steady as possible, and each word as neat as I could make it. Writing that paragraph was so difficult that by writing's end, I was actually sweating and my hand ached so that even this morning, the middle of the back of my hand between the tendons still feels bruised and sore.

I found this article on the treatment of writer's cramp using Botox injections...and it reports a significant improvement in the symptoms and can provide relief for up to 6 months:

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/medicalnews.php?newsid=59603

"Botox"' the popular anti- wrinkle treatment, can also ease writer's cramp, suggests a small study published ahead of print in the Journal of Neurology Neurosurgery and Psychiatry. "

I am thinking of speaking to the neurologist who diagnosed me...to see if this treatment is available to me. I also read that acupuncture can provide relief for some patients...but I've always been a little skeptical of it.

I also read that pain and aches from writer's cramp are not common...and, according to Dystonia Foundation at this site: http://www.dystonia-foundation.org/pages/more_info/54.php, pain symptoms associated with this form of dystonia may be more frequent when the dystonia is SECONDARY.

Thus: "Cramping or aching of the hand is not common....If the writer’s cramp is secondary, there may be a greater frequency of pain."

And: "Secondary: Those forms of dystonia that are attributed to an outside factor such as physical trauma, exposure to certain medications, and additional neurological or metabolic diseases.

That means, if I am reading correctly, that the writer's cramp dystonia may simply be a by-product of some other neurological condition that the patient already has. In my case, perhaps it's the Essential Tremor neurologicaly condition I was also diagnosed with.

The Dystonia Foundation also reports that Botulin injections may be the best route for relief. The best results they found for drug therapy is about a 5% improvement:

"A multitude of oral drugs has been studied to determine benefit for people with writer's cramp, but none appear to be uniformly effective. About 5% of people's symptoms improved with the use of anticholinergic drugs, such as Artane® (trihexyphenidyl), Cogentin® (benztropine).

Botulinum toxin injections into selected muscles are helpful in treating writer's cramp, especially when significant deviation of the wrist or finger joints is present. Although this treatment is not effective for all people, significant improvement in writing and reduction of pain is seen in at least two-thirds of those persons treated."

I think all of this information justifies my exploration of the Botulin route of treatment.

Cho Seung-Hui's Parents

2007-04-17T11:55:00.000-07:00

It just occured to me, while I was watching the coverage of the Memorial Service of the Virginia Tech victims...what must the parents of Cho Seung-Hui be going through?

If you are a parent...can you imagine the horror of knowing that the child you brought forth into the world some years ago...the child who, no doubt, brought you countless hours of laughter, happiness and joy...the child you watched grow up and for which you had dreams of greatness...the child you lifted on your shoulders, tickled before bedtime...the child who was once a symbol of hope, the future and possibility...now stands as a symobl of such misery and horror that his actions are deemed the worst shooting tragedy in American history.

Because of the child you brought into the world...the President of the United States is making a speech about 32 young people dead. Your child killed them.

Because of the child you brought into the world...a new page of indelible tragic history will never be forgotten. Your child wrote that page...and his face will always be associated with death and misery.

How could you ever celebrate the birth of your child again? How could you keep out photos of him as a smiling, laughing baby, understanding that those photos represent a brief time when his life would ultimately apex in a crazed moment of murderous outrage, outdone by any criminal before him?

How could you do anything...but now wish to God that he was never, ever born.

Think about it.

As a parent, I can't imagine how difficult that must be. So, my heart goes out to them, as well as the victims.

Neurologically Related?

2007-04-05T08:27:00.000-07:00

I never thought about it much before, but I think it's possible that the neurology behind stuttering could be related to the neurology that surrounds the two other conditions that I have (but rarely mention). Two years ago, I was diagnosed with both Essential Tremor (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Essential_tremor ) and Medical Writer's Cramp...a form of dystonia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dystonia ).

I began to notice, years ago, that my hands naturally shake when I perform tasks, like bringing a cup of coffee to my mouth or putting a pencil into a sharpener. The closer to the sharpener or to my mouth that my hands would go, the more noticable the tremor. My co-workers began to notice it when in meetings, if I held up a piece of paper to read...it would shake pretty badly. Most thought I was just nervous or had had too much coffee.

Add to this, the fact that, since about school age, I've had a very difficult time writing more than 3 sentences in a row. After the first line, my hand would literally begin to ache and I would be unable to relax it to write smoothly. After about 3 sentences, my writing became erratic and virtually illegible. I got marked off on my grades for being "sloppy" and my early school teachers would give me handwrting assignments to try to improve my handwriting. To no avail.

Once I got into high school, I did everything I could to convince teachers to let me type all of my papers...rather than write them. And by college, I never hand wrote anything...and still don't to this day.

Keeping a journal is something that appeals to me and even have about 5 of them I have collected. None have more than one page filled, however. I simply can't do it. Additionally, when I work out at the gym...certain exercises are funny to watch. For example, when I do the machine for building up my front-thigh muscles, my legs vibrate very strongly when I lift the weights. It's almost embarrassing.

When I was diagnosed for Essential Tremor, the neurologist asked me if I had difficulty with writing. I said that I did and he gave me a simple writing test to determine the extent of my problem. The test consisted partly of beginning in the middle of a piece of paper and slowly drawing a spiral, working my way out. By the third revolution, the spiral disintegrated into a warbling, jumbled mess.

Interstingly, I am almost ambidextrous (born left-handed, early teachers forced me to write with my right hand)...and if I write with my right hand, there is no noticeable tension and I can write smoothly, though it's very time consuming, since it's not as natural. Also, the handwriting appears to be that of a school-aged kid. Very structured and loopy.

So, he prescribed Proponolol for the tremor and offered that I might have surgery for the Writer's Cramp...or injections of some kind...can't remember what. Maybe Botox. I declined both.

I'm just wondering if there might be some connection between the neurological condition that causes my stuttering...and these other conditions.

I'm An Outlaw Stutterer!

2007-04-02T11:35:00.000-07:00

Are all police officers morons or is it just in America? So, I'm pulled over for an alleged minor traffic violation...I didn't come to a full stop in a residential stop sign...and this burly cop with too much after-shave an over-sized neck knocks on my window. He was wearing Ray Ban sun-glasses, which I think are standard issue in California. Apparently, they think it's cool...as if wearing fashionable sunglasses will make up for the fact that they all look like idiots with more gadgets attached around their belt than Batman.

So, I roll down the window and he asks me if I know what I'm being pulled over for...like I'm on a game show or something and if I answer correctly I win a prize. I noticed that he had beefy forearms that would rival those of Popeye...which I found hilarious. He obviously spent a considerable amount of time in the gym, working on those formidable appendages. I thought about telling him that perhaps he ought to have spent some of that valuable time working on the area just below his chest and right above his belt...but since his ego is probably directly proportional to the size of his gut, I didn't risk the remark.

I answered that I did know...and he proceeded to give me a truncated seminar about the dangers of rolling through stop signs. Apparently there is some kind of out-of-control epidemic of old ladies and school children being mowed down by cars traveling at the outrageous speed of 2 miles an hour.

He then asked me where I was headed and I hesitated in my answer, facing a particular nasty stuttering block...and right away...he jumped to the conclusion that I was either lying or hiding something...or maybe drunk. Or all three. I finally said that I was headed home. He asked me if I was sure, since I hesitated and I told him I was a stutterer. I'm guessing that they teach pharmacology at the police academy, because he then asked the brilliant question, "Are you taking medication for that?"...like this was relevant, as if an over-dose of some stuttering medication causes people to commit minor traffic violations.

I wanted to ask him if he was taking his daily idiot pill, but instead just said that I wasn't. He then walked to the back of my SUV and peered in the rear window, presumably looking for bodies or automatic weapons or something equally dramatic. I think he was disappointed to only find my work-out clothes and a case of bottled water because he came back to my window and asked me for my driver's license and proof of insurance. "Is this your vehicle, sir?"

No, it belongs to my pimp, you pinhead.

"Yes, and it's paid for, as well." That was a lie, but since my current monthly payment was already made, I figured I could squeak by on a technicality if it came up as an issue at my criminal trial.

I lucked out, though, because he let me off with a warning and a final few words on the dangers of violating traffic laws...and then he sombered back to his cruiser and drove away.

I've never been accused of lying or being drunk because of my stutter...so I thought the entire incident was a bit amusing.

Defining Stuttering Terms For Clarity's Sake

2007-03-29T09:02:00.000-07:00

Recently, another blogger and I have had a really enjoyable "debate" or discussion about stuttering. To see Jerome's full responses, click on the "Shame on the Stuttering Foundation" entry and read the remarks. But, to address one point that I thought was worth a separate blog entry:

Jerome said: "I guess that's a matter of definition. If somebody continuously uses a technique, or even mental state, that allows him not to stutter then I'd say that he has more or less reached the goal."

Yes, I agree...and I highly praise those individuals. I suppose we needed to define our terms because I was more talking about an authentic "cure"...some kind of treatment that would remove any more necessity to even be aware of ones speech as stutterers must constantly be.

For myself, I am mostly fluent, because I have learned since childhood to use techniques to hide my stutter. I have been called a "closet" stutterer...or a "covert" stutterer. For example, if I am meeting someone for the first time, I employ a method of forcing all of the air out of my lungs and pressing my diaphragm upward on every sentence in order to force words out, making me fluent...though the listener cannot tell how taxing this is on me. Often, I go away from these conversations very worn out, mentally & emotionally...with my stomach in knots.

Another method...I feign introspection when I'm at a word I cannot say. Instead of audibly blocking...I internally block until I can get past or I can find an alternative word. The listener is none the wiser...unless they know me and know of my method. For example, I try this trick with my son and he knows what I'm doing. When I act like I'm thinking about my response, he'll often say, "Just spell it if you can't say it." This actually gets annoying if I'm actually thinking and not using the trick. :)

To most people, they would relate to others that I am fluent...that I've probably overcome my stutter...and that I'm a success. I do acknowledge that I am a success at communicating...but I do not feel good about my speech because I get frustrated that I can't say what I want to say when I want to say it...and I can't say it STRESS FREE.

This is the sort of success I'm looking for. I don't want a prosthetic leg so that I appear to walk like everybody else. I want the REAL LEG. Understand, I'm not really expecting this kind of goal...I'm simply defining my terms....I'm defining what I mean by an authentic "cure".

And this is why I don't think that traditional speech therapy will provide one. Traditional therapy will help the adherent find ways to get around a stutter...find ways to feel better about a stutter...help the adherent COPE with the stutter and the emotional baggage that comes with it...but at the end of the day, it will not make the stutterer like everyone else.

Perhaps what I'm looking for is unrealistic. Perhaps it's akin to "re-growing" that missing leg. Maybe it will never happen. But...one can certainly hope.

The delayed audio feedback device makes me almost 100% fluent and when I use a similar device on my computer, I do not have to think about talking. Somehow, this device tricks my brain into being fluent. I believe that it's somehow bypassing some chemical imbalance or physical abnormality in my hearing/brain/whatever. It accomplishes what over 10 years of traditional speech therapy could not...and it does it immediately.

I don't pretend to be an expert on stuttering...I'm on a learning journey as are most stutterers. These are all just my opinions based upon my own subjective experiences. And I welcome the perspectives of those who disagree.

Stop Blaming The Stutterer

2007-03-28T13:37:00.000-07:00

I found a stuttering link today, advertising a workshop and some articles about stuttering: http://www.masteringstuttering.com

From the website, under the "What we believe" link, I found this information:

1. Blocking and stuttering are learned behaviors.

2. Learned behaviors can be unlearned.

3. If you can speak fluently in even one context, you can speak fluently in any context.

I wanted to address these because the website claims that stuttering is a learned habit, thus, "As you can probably already tell, we believe it is one’s thinking that creates the blocking and stuttering. We do not believe that if a person is fluent consistently in certain situations and blocks in others that the problem is physical and certainly not genetic. It is a very well learned behavior come from childhood hurts and reinforced through years of practice."

I disagree with most of this, simply because peer-reviewed research shows these conclusions above to simply not be entirely accurate. It's much too simplistic an approach.

While I believe that there is a "learned" component to our blocks and stutters, I believe most of those components are simply emotional reactions TO our stutter...not the other way around. The first time I blocked, it wasn't because of a mindset...it wasn't because I was afraid...it wasn't because I was put in a difficult situation. Nobody knows why one first stutters.

My reaction to my first block, however, caused me to become stressed, anxious, upset, etc. And because I blocked, I began to attempt to push past the block, physically...and eventually I found could speak. I taught myself my first lesson that day:

1. You will block. 2. Physical, exerted effort is the way out.

This lesson was repeated over and over and over throughout my childhood until I eventually carried it over into adulthood, where it was pretty much solidified and a natural part of my thinking, harmful as it may be.

Where is the habit? What is the learned aspect of this? The learned portion is my REACTION TO my blocks and stutter. That is the habit. And this also began to bleed over into my reaction towards stuttering situations where I might potentially stutter. This created a cycle, a pattern of having a certain emotional reaction to speaking situations.

However, there are times when I have zero stress. I feel totally at ease. I'm completely comfortable. Yet, I block and stutter. For seemingly no reason at all.

Further, I can go months and months with no problem saying words that begin with the letter F...and then suddenly, I begin having problems with just that letter. Or maybe two letters.

I believe that if that site were correct...there would be consistency in one's stutter. In fact, we would see consistency in most people's stuttering. But, that is hardly the case. People sometimes stutter when they are completely at ease and then they might all of sudden find they are fluent in the exact same situation...with no discernible change in how they felt or how they approached the situation.

Placing the blame onto the stutterer...by saying "you stutter because of the way you think"...unduly burdens the stutterer with guilt he/she should not be carrying. And you certainly wouldn't want to blame a young child in that manner.

Most of us went through years of wrongheaded thinking in our childhood because of some adult influence who continually told you that you wouldn't stutter if you'd only: slow down...think before you talk...calm down...etc.

For my childhood experience, I spent most of my formative years thinking that I was a jittery, shaky, nervous, hyperactive, stuttering moron...because of scoldings like that from wrong-headed, but well-meaning adults.

I believe, based upon my current research, that stuttering is partly genetic and partly chemical. In the brain. I believe that the brain of a stutterer functions differently, based upon scientific findings that show that stutterers often access the right side of the brain when approaching speech...rather than the left, which is what non-stutterers do. I think it's related to dopamine levels...and I believe that if there ever is a cure, it will be through medicine.

Meanwhile, I'll keep reading and researching.

And Now For Something Completely Different!

2007-03-24T20:39:00.001-07:00

Guess how many times I stuttered during this video?

Don't Let Stuttering Discourage Your Dreams

2007-03-23T08:20:00.000-07:00

Recently, I've received a number of emails from readers who are either thinking of going into a particular field of work or who are already in school or are working in particular fields and they ask about my law endeavors, if it's been a hindrance.

I'll be honest: yes, it's been somewhat of a hindrance. On a number of levels. First, in seeking an internship, it was a hindrance, first, because I didn't look as hard as other law students might, simply because I lacked the same confidence. Instead of being aggressive in my search, I looked for easier means of landing a position. Second, I'm certain that my stutter may have deterred one or two of the firms from taking me on. At the end of the day, however, one firm wanted me despite my stutter and went to great lengths to get me, even emailing and calling over and over even when I had settled on another. (It got rather annoying actually, to the point where I felt they were stalking me!)

I do not have any fear, however, that I will not be a decent, if not a better-than-average attorney. While good verbal skills are probably a great asset for a lawyer, being 100% fluent...or even 80% fluent is not required. I had a lawyer once who I thought was a complete idiot and, though he did not stutter, I felt his communication skills were on par with Billy Bob Thornton from the film "Sling Blade." He was uncomfortable in front of clients, in front of the court, and he made no special effort to win anyone's confidence and was rather an anti-social individual. Yet, despite this, he was a very successful attorney.

I, on the other hand, am a big-mouthed, opinionated person who loves to talk even though in some situations, I stutter pretty badly. I believe that people pick up on my confidence and they quickly ignore the hesitations, stammerings, and other aspects of my speech that display my stutter. If I am at a particularly difficult block...MOST PEOPLE simply wait with me and act as if nothing happened. And that's because, mostly, in professional settings, once I can get it out, I act as if nothing happened...and I think that lets them off the hook, as well. If I act all apologetic and uncomfortable...chances are, they might want to avoid future communication, so as to avoid that situation in the future. People will respond to your discomfort if you show it...by being uncomfortable themselves. If you act like it's no big deal, chances are, they will feel like it's no big deal.

Listen, people with all sorts of debilitating disabiities and afflictions overcome enormous obstacles to go on to do things that even fully functional people aren't able to do. Helen Keller, born blind, deaf, and dumb (mute) went on to be one of the most brilliant scholars in history and travelled the world, sharing her experiences. For crying out loud, she couldn't SEE, HEAR, or SPEAK. But, she did not let this stand in her way. Stuttering cannot even come close to being compared to what she overcame in her personal life.

The truth is: you can accomplish almost anything you set your mind to do. I am agnostic, but there is a Bible verse that I enjoy that says, "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he." There is much truth to that. Mostly, people are the way they are because they really just want to be that way. When you want to change...you will. But you won't change until you are determined to.

Stuttering can't hold you back from being a success in life...unless you allow it to. Understand, there are certain things that will be completely out of your control. Chances are, I'll never be an award-winning newscaster (ss if I wanted to be). So, knowing your limitations is important. However, don't borrow limitations. Don't assume you will be limited in this way or in that way...or in one situation or another. It's better to have some determination, make a noble attempt to accomplish the thing you want to accomplish...and then see what happens. At worst, if you fail, you can live with the knowledge that you damn well tried. And that is no failure, by anyone's standard.

I can't imagine that someone with even a chronic, severe stutter cannot go on to be a lawyer, a doctor, a dentist, a writer, a scientist...almost anything you can imagine. So, go...do it. I think you may surprise even yourself.

Shame on The Stuttering Foundation

2007-03-20T16:50:00.000-07:00

It seems the non-profit organization is riding on the coattails of celebrity by latching onto Tiger Wood's comments about his brief stint with stuttering as a youngster.

http://www.stutteringhelp.org/Default.aspx?tabid=499

Jane Fraser, President of The Stuttering Foundation had this to say about Tiger Woods overcoming stuttering:

"The parallels between speech performance and sports performance are striking. Tiger Woods is the latest example of how the many hours of practice and hard work to win in sports are no different from those long hours spent in therapy for stuttering"

This is pure, un-adulterated crapoloa meant to pander to our society's fascination and veneration of celebrities. In my research, I've seen no correlation between the type of hard work it takes to win an Olympic Medal or win a golf tournament and the type of hard work that goes into speech therapy. It's misleading, at best...in that, it will lead the impressionable and the young to the conclusion that if they work like an olympic champion, they will be as successful with their fluency, as Tiger Woods is.

I had intensive speech therapy as a child from the ages of four to ten years of age and the hard work I put into it...grueling, degrading hard work...had no discernible effect on my stuttering. Over the years, I've met many stutterers who express the same experience. Which is why many give up on traditional speech therapy. The manifestation of success is marginal, at best.

Shame on Jane for this. First of all, we don't know how severe Tiger's stutter was or is. How fluent was he? How old was he when he stuttered? By his own admission, his stutter was "brief". Does this indicate that it wasn't truly a stutter at all, as most persistent, chronic stutterers understand stuttering to be? Or was it just a phase that he went through...like one that my own son went through for a month or so when he was around four years of age?

Without this critical information, it's irresponsible to use the words that Jane Fraser used because it will lead the ordinary young child stutterer to the conclusion that they can accomplish what Tiger has...when it's likely they won't. Even The Stuttering Foundation's own website says this! Have a look:

http://www.stutteringhelp.org/Default.aspx?tabid=148

"If you have stuttered all your life, it is unlikely that the stuttering will ever go away completely."

Wow, really? Let me ask: is this news to any adult stutterer? Answer: NO. However, this is probably going to be very big news to a child stutterer who relies upon Jane Fraser's words that strongly imply that you can be as successful as Tiger Woods if you practice as hard and as long as he does.

While I don't impugn the Foundation's over-all goal of assisting stutterers in getting the latest information about stuttering and the Foundation's goal of providing a lot of resources on their website...this latest public statement is something that bothers me greatly. In fact, their entire list of famous people who stutter...bothers me.

But, that's for a different entry.

New DAF Device?

2007-03-19T11:14:00.000-07:00

I found a link from another website to an offer for a device that functions, by all accounts, very similar to the SpeechEasy device. Have a look at it here:

http://www.stutterfree-tool.com/

This new device appears to partly mimic the very expensive SpeechEasy...but does so at a fraction of the cost. (SpeechEasy is upwards of $3-4,000...whereas the Stutterfree-tool is only $595.) I also note that it doesn't appear to offer DELAYED audio feedback...rather, they advertise that it offers DIGITALLY MODIFIED audio feedback. The device picks up the vibration your voice produces in the body...and feeds it into your ear through the earpiece. I haven't heard of that method before...or whether it even works.

I am intrigued...for a few reasons. First, I know that a delayed audio feedback device will work for me. I use a MacBook at home and have Garageband software (music editing). One of the features of GarageBand allows you to do Podcasts and I discovered that I can hear myself while recording my voice, wearing headphones. When wearing the headphones and speaking (before actually recording)...I can hear myself through the ear pieces. If I apply a certain chipmunk voice effect, I then hear both a delayed audio feedback and a frequency modulated feedback.

When both are applied (or just the DAF is applied), I am nearly 100% fluent. Thus, I am pretty confident that a mobile DAF device will work for me.

But, I am also hesitant of this new device for a few reasons...and any good product that is charging people hundreds or thousands of dollars should be able to stand up to scrutiny. If a company becomes defensive because of genuine concerns and critical scrutiny...my advice would be to run away from them as fast as you can.

One reason, the website looks very homegrown...unorganized, cheaply done and not very appealing on any level. I would be hesitant to buy a DAF device from someone behind a lemonade stand on the side of the road...just as I would be hesitant to purchase anything from this website. They ought to invest some money into their image.

Another reason, there are no photos of this device on the website. Years ago, I read of a scam where someone advertised a guaranteed roach-killing device in the classified section of a newspaper. If you mailed in $1...you would be sent this guaranteed device. Apparently, it got a pretty big response and the guy made some money.

What the consumer was mailed in return was two small blocks of wood...and simple instructions: Place roach between blocks and press firmly. Thank you very much. You have your roach killer...and it is, in fact, guaranteed to kill roaches.

Why no photos of this device? I would never expect anyone to send me over $500 for a device that I won't even display.

What they do have is a very strange, badly drawn diagram of how the device is worn. It looks like the drawing of a third grader. Not very confidence inspiring!

Lastly, there appears to be no documentation (besides testimonials, which, if we are honest, can be entirely faked) on the effectiveness of the device or the method. And there is no information on the site about the manufacturer. Who are these people? Where are they? Are they working with experts, speech pathologists, etc? Or is this device manufactured in somebody's garage?

I would encourage all of you to have a look at this new device and give me some feedback here...and maybe even contact the manufacturer. I intend to email the company and invite them here to respond to this entry.

Job Search Anxiety Issue

2007-03-19T09:57:00.000-07:00

I got an email from a very nice person who stumbled upon my blog...and he brought up an issue that piqued my interest. He related that he doesn't like it when he is doing a job search and the advertisement for the job solicits someone with good communication skills or excellent verbal skills. He said that he'd rather have the employer assess these sorts of skills on a one-to-one basis, rather than posting it in the advertisement, making it stressful for the stutterer...or even deterring them altogether.

While I agree with the sentiment of the question...I am not sure he is seeing the big picture.

I think that even if the job advertisement solicits those with "good verbal skills"...that requirement is arbitrary in definition, meaning that the definition of what that means will vary from employer to employer and from one job applicant to another. People who speak fluently don't necessarily have good verbal or communications skills...and we who stutter do not necessarily have weak communication/verbal skills.

Advertising that requirement is probably meant to deter those who know they are shy or know they don't like to talk...unsociable people. It's saying, "I hope you like to talk. I hope you like to communicate. This job requires it." It's not necessarily meant to deter people who stutter, but who otherwise ENJOY talking or ENJOY communication. Does that make sense?

If you are sociable, outgoing and love to talk to people...but have a stutter that you are determined to NOT let stand in your way...an employer will probably hold that bold ambition in high regard...and might want to give you a chance simply for having the determination to NOT be limited by your won handicap. If they aren't such a person...perhaps working for him or her is not in your best interest, anyway.

As an aside, I think one part of our accepting our affliction requires us to know our limitations. A man born with no legs simply must face the fact that he can't get a job as a stage dancer. A man born deaf simply must face the fact that he'll never be a music producer. Likewise, I, as a stutterer, must simply face the fact that I will likely never land a job as a radio announcer.

There is nothing wrong with limitations when you recognize them. In fact, that is an asset to possess. Expecting the world around us to make unreasonable exceptions FOR the limitation, however...is a bit pathetic, in certain circumstances. In my view, it's akin to what's wrong with our educational system in the United States. They are taking away many of the competitive aspects of public education...so as not to "offend" low achievers. Instead they want to remove competition and have all kids be "special".

But the obvious result is...when you make everyone special...then nobody is.

A Response From Mark Vladmir Clay

2007-03-09T11:38:00.000-08:00

Seems Mr. Clay has responded to our inquiries of his multiple websites. (Read recent entries to learn more of this issue) Keep in mind, Mr. Clay claims to have had OCD, Anxiety Disorder & was a stutterer. And has since recovered from all three using his mysterious homeopathic, alternative-medicine remedies...though his website gives no clue what exactly he used...shows no statistics to show the effectiveness of his "programs"...and there is not one shred of scientific or medical research that he can point to in order to give any potential victims...oops, I mean "customers"...confidence that what he's peddling might actually work.

Instead, you have to roll the dice at a cost of $93.

He writes to me (freely visible in the remarks section of my last post):

"The programs have been created as a result of going to various alternative medicine practitioners for years and trying their stuff for both conditions- stuttering and compulsive behaviors."

Me: Care to offer some research or statistics to show the alleged effectiveness of your program or these alternative medicines you are talking about? They DID have a class in EVIDENCE at Cooley, did they not? You DO realize the importance of substantiating your claims, yes?

He writes further:

"The information that is used for anxiety disorders comes from the original programs. It only excludes the speech component and the compulsive component of conditions. There is a lot of detail about these alternative medicine therapies and what these programs include online."

Since you are charging people money for your "program", I suggest you offer some links to some empirical studies done on this "information" you are offering. Don't you think you would appear more ethical if you were to do so? Have you ever spent $100 without knowing exactly what you were getting...or without having any information about the effectiveness of the product you are investing in? Free clue: your one letter from "Jen" on your site is not evidence.

He writes more:

"Natural Therapy for Stuttering teaches one how to use homeopathic remedies, energy medicine techniques, hypnosis, flower essences and visualization techniques in combination for optimum results, and it is targeted towards stuttering. It consists of experimentation notes that have been modified subsequently."

Me: You are typing a lot of words, but you aren't really saying anything. Is there ANY EVIDENCE AT ALL that your therapies work? If so...PLEASE provide it for public scrutiny. After all, you are expecting people to OPEN THEIR WALLETS to you. Shouldn't you spend some effort building some confidence in your clients?

More:

"The word "cure" stirs much debate here. The goal of all alternative medicine therapies is to cure a person. All natural remedies have curative powers. Particularly, the need for them diminishes with time."

Unless you are peddling an FDA approved medication, you cannot use the word "cure" or "treat" with regard to your product in conjuction with any authentic medical disease or disorder...or any word that would lead the general public to the conclusion that your products/therapies do anything for those conditions.

Simply ask any of the hundreds of alternative medicine companies that have been either heavily fined or closed down altogether. Once you say your product treats or cures an authentic disease or medical disorder...you are claiming it is a "drug" according to the FTC and the FDA.

You don't even have to take my word for it...simply do some research on the FDA or FTC site. Any reputable practitioner would be more than happy to do this BEFORE peddling a "curative" product to an unwitting public.

And further:

"For instance, taking a homeopathic remedy called Sulphur in 1M or 10M potency will reduce not only symptoms of stuttering, but many anxiety symptoms as well in many people who have these problems."

Please substantiate this claim with any sort of research, documentation or proof.

Then he opines:

"To be a lawyer, you need to be able to think analytically."

And behave ethically, yes? And do adaquate research on legal business practices, yes? And know Federal guidelines about advertising alternative medicines, yes?

You simply do not have this ability.

Based upon what? My criticism of your three websites which offer to cure authentic, debilitating disorders using homeopathic alternative "medicines" with not one shred of scientific or medical research behind them, while you charge the unwitting public close to $100...while not even telling them what they are getting?

Is that how you concluded that I do not have analytical thinking abilities to the extent required by professional legal minds?

Galina Tchekan - FRAUD ALERT

2007-03-08T16:31:00.000-08:00

Again, riding on the coattails of Tom Weidig of The Stuttering Brain Blog…I’m posting about some fraudulent activity he stumbled upon.

Take note of the three sites below. This guy is running three websites, one for homeopathic therapies for stuttering…one for OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), and one for Anxiety Disorder. All three sites, on the “About Me” page, give lengthy personal testimonials about how the author was afflicted with the “disorder” that each page is about. Huh? He had ALL THREE “disorders”…and is now cured and has developed a product and training in “curing” others? You’ll notice there are no links, connecting these sites together.

http://www.solutiontherapiesonline.com/index.html

http://www.naturaltherapyforstuttering.com/

http://www.alternativetherapyforgad.com/

Galina Tchekan
1002 Montrose Ave. # 183
Chicago, IL 60613

The sites are heavy in text, but very lacking in actual content. You’ll notice he never says what his “program” entails or what exactly you’ll be taking. Yet, he wants you to cough up $93USD.

I have reported this guy to both the Federal Trade Commission and to the Food & Drug Administration…and I urge you to, as well, to get as many “alerts” in about this guy as possible. He offers no credentials for his therapy or supplements, no research about any effectiveness, and even his information about each of the “disorders” is factually incorrect and very misleading in places. The “testimonial” letter on the OCD site has the feel of having been written by the same person who runs the site…replete with the same awkward English.

He is selling his snake oil, preying on people like us who are desperate for a “cure”. If you have the time, visit these two pages to submit your complaint to the FDA and the FTC.

https://rn.ftc.gov/pls/dod/wsolcq$solcq.actionview

http://www.fda.gov/oc/buyonline/buyonlineform.htm

Call To Customer Service Nightmare

2007-03-06T11:03:00.000-08:00

I got an email message today from my cell phone company, giving me my current balance, etc, etc...and long story short, somehow the idiot who sold me my new Razr over the Christmas holidays...added a new line to my account, making my total balance much higher than usual.

Needless to say, I was angry...not only because of the hassle of such a predicament, but because now I was forced to call customer service to remedy the problem.

The first thing (after 10 minutes of needless menu choices..."Press one if you're feeling happy today." Just kidding) the customer service rep wants me to do is to verify my account information...asking me for my last 4 SSN and my cell phone number. Both numbers, unfortunately for me, begin with the number 7, which is one of my problem numbers since it begins with an "S".

For the phone number, I began with the numbers after the area code...hoping I'd be able to toss in the area code as an afterthought after saying the rest of the numbers. Sometimes I can trick myself into being fluent that way.

Didn't work.

She asked me three times for the area code. When I finally got it out...she said I had to give her the number all over again. I was so frustrated, all I could do was laugh...and then I started over.

Verifying my last four of my SSN was also a problem, so instead of giving the last four, I gave her the entire number. She seemed annoyed at my inability to follow directions.

I think I also alarmed her with my hesitations, because she had me verify some other information before allowing me to address why I had called or giving me any information about my account. by this time, I was annoyed enough that I could speak pretty fluently for the rest of the conversation, even though, over all, I was less fluent than I normally am.

Damn, I wish these company's would invest in having 9-5pm LIVE CHAT services on their site. It's much easier and less intrusive on your day than a phone call. AND it caters to people with speed impediments.

Children's Reaction to Stuttering

2007-02-28T11:35:00.000-08:00

Tom from the The Stuttering Brain Blog posted recently about his *tongue in cheek* dislike for children because they lack the social skills yet to act normally when one stutters.

I've experienced this and can feel his pain. Children will often say whatever is on their minds..."Are you pregnant or just fat?"..."You're skinny!"..."You're bald!"..."Daddy says your wife is an alcoholic!"...

Really, they are just saying what most adults are thinking, but have learned, by the implementation of social graces, to not say every little thing that pops into their heads.

My young teen son is getting there, but he still occasionally will openly laugh or smirk if he finds a "block" to be funny sounding. I can tell that he tries to hold it in and he usually apologizes right after...but it is annoying. I tell him that if he had the problem, he'd probably not find it humorous.

I've never heard a stutter that I thought sounded funny. Even when they do it for comedy's sake in a film or on television (which they never get right, by the way.)

I do enjoy children and don't find much difficulty being around them with my stutter, but I do find that I'm much more self-aware when I am in the company of small kids who I know will probably inquire about my stutter or react in some obvious way.

Un-cooperative Mouth

2007-02-14T12:34:00.000-08:00

Honestly, after a lot of the research I've read recently about stuttering...I seriously doubt there will ever be a cure. I do think that we stutterers will be able to find useful therapy...eventually, effective drugs...and devices that will induce more fluency...but I do not think we will find a cure.

I am beginning to see that stuttering is even more complicated than what I once believed. The problem with a "cure" is that there are too many factors that contribute to stuttering...for their to be a simple "pill" or "technique" that can address them all.

Dr. Martin Schwartz has a treatment that claims a near 94% success rate ...and after speaking with him, I was very educated in the hows and whys of stuttering...and explained that stuttering happens because of what happens before we begin to speak...but this explanation says nothing of why I will stutter, for example, right in the middle of a sentence with a word that begins with the letter L. This has even occured when I was completely alone and not stressed at all.

The mystery of stuttering is very frustrating. To me, it's very much like how I would feel if I dropped a rock from my hand...and instead of going down, it began to float upward. "Why are you doing that, Mr. Rock? There is no REASON for that to happen!" Stuttering seems to defy all reason and logic. I want to say a word...but it won't come out...yet there seems to be no reason for this to happen. It's like an invisible wall...invisible hands stopping your hand from rising to your mouth. "Mr. Hand, I want food. Why won't you rise to my mouth?"

I once met a woman in a nursing home who had had a stroke. She completely lost the ability to formulate words. She could only talk gibberish. Yet, she could understand everything that was said to her...and she could write down what she wanted to say. I was completely amazed by this. I would think to myself, "Okay, she can hear the words in her head...she can understand the words I say to her...she can move her mouth to speak...but she can't formulate the words? Why? Just do it!"

The truth is, there is probably some kind of damage to her brain that is preventing her brain from communicating properly with her mouth. Her mouth just won't cooperate with her brain. She could eat food normally, however, so the damage must have been isolated solely to the connection between brain and mouth that is associated with communication. Fascinating!

Thus, in stutterers, it's possible that somehow our mouths/throat/etc simply will not cooperate with our brains commands to speak. My conscious mind says "Speak"...my brain knows the command...sends the command to my mouth...which will not cooperate with me.

It's frustrating when you lose control of a part of your body, isn't it?

Automation Makes Me Happy

2007-02-12T15:09:00.000-08:00

I am so glad I live in a modern world full of technologically advanced mechanisms that make it so I can do a lot of business on my own without having to interact with people as much. As most stutterers are aware, interacting with people creates opportunities for stuttering...which, in turn, creates opportunities for stress, disappointment, embarrassment, and other such nasty feelings and emotions.

1. The Internet: I now have a whole array of friends with whom my only contact is via the written word...emails...blog posts...discussion boards. I even talk to much of my family mostly online. And the occasional phone call. Also, virtually all of my bill paying is done online. I also make a lot of purchases online, never having to interact with a real person (at least directly).

One company with whom I do business online, has a 9-5pm INSTANT CHAT feature that lets you chat with a customer service person if you have a question.

2. Text messaging: Now I can text things to some of my friends. Conversations can last all day sometimes, as we simply reply when it's convenient. And then we talk once every couple days. Maybe twice a week.

3. Post Office: I no longer have to wait in line for simple transactions. I can simply conduct my posting business at the kiosk in the lobby of the post office. It will ask me a series of questions about my parcel or letter...I input some information...it weighs it for me on the attached scale...tells me the price of the postage...I insert my debit card. Voila! Never had to say a word. (Well, except to tell the impatient guy standing behind me to wait his turn. ;)

4. ATM: It's a rare day that I will go inside a bank. I've had my accounts at the same bank for years and I can count on one hand the number of times I've had to go inside to conduct any business. I even got a new ATM card on the internet. I opened a savings account...on the internet. I embezzled $50,000...on the internet. Just kidding.

5. DVD Rentals: I get all of my videos through the mail via a pay-by-month option. I get 3 DVDs at a time and never have to deal with a real person.

I'm certain that more and more things in our progressive society will become automated like this. Eventually, you'll be able to get Starbucks from a virtual store/kiosk...maybe even fast food will go that way. As long as the quality doesn't go down. That being said, what kind of quality does fast food have anyway?

Morning Stutter

2007-02-12T09:11:00.000-08:00

Do you find that you are less fluent at specific times of the day? Ordinarily, I stutter the most early in the morning. This morning, for example, I was getting ready for work and my sister passed through the hall. It's not usual for her to get up so early (6:30am) and so I attempted to ask her, "Why are you up so early?"...but nothing would come out. Total block. My "tricks" didn't even work. I waited patiently for it to pass...but it didn't. Finally, I just sighed heavily and stepped back into the bathroom. My sister, accustomed to my stuttering, answered the question, knowing what I was trying to ask. "Thanks," I muttered.

I think I'm less fluent in the morning because it's already more difficult to talk when you first get up, am I right? Your mouth isn't fully in gear yet and most even have that groggy/sleepy voice when they first get up. Ordinarily, I try not to speak to anyone in the morning-first, because I'm a big grumpy head-but also because I find it difficult to use my avoidance techniques to get around stuttering. Mostly, they don't work that well before I've been up for at least an hour or more.

DAF Research Study

2007-02-09T09:58:00.000-08:00

I found an article on PubMed about a recent study (November 2006) conducted on an auditory feedback (delayed audio) device, using 10 stutterering participants. Without rehashing the entire study (which you can read for yourself here)...the fast conclusion is that it proved successful in a short-term setting...and further study is needed to show long-term results.

As I've written about recently, I am interested in these devices and am doing a lot of reading and personal research. I spoke personally with Dr. Martin F. Schwartz about his device at the National center for Stuttering...and he promises 94% success rate long-term using not only his device...but his program. In fact, he opines that one cannot achieve success without a (his) program. The device alone will help you...but you cannot maintain the disclipline of applying the accompanying and necessary exercises...on your own. Both the device and the accompanying program are necessary for success. He personally told me that I could have "the monkey off my back" in about 6-9 months.

Of course, Dr. Schwartz has a vested interest in saying this...after all, he earns income when you are enrolled in his program; however, I am inclined to at least give him partial benefit of the doubt, given that he's a doctor and not just some guy peddling "snake oil". I doubt I will be trying his program anytime soon, however, as the cost of it is beyond my budget ($2400)...but I am keeping my eye on his work and on the work of other programs that offer this device. (To be fair, he did indicate that most PPOs and HMOs will shoulder most of the cost of the program.)

I would be interested in just trying a device for myself without a program, just to see what it can do for me. Even if the positive results are only marginal. As I stated before, I got a brief taste of the effect when I called my son at his school...and there was a spontaneous phenomenon of an echo in my phone, allowing me to hear myself back with a half-second delay. When the echo was present, I was nearly completely fluent, free from stuttering.

I've heard some indicate that the positve effects of such devices eventually wears off because of the phenomenon of immunity. Just as you eventually become accustomed to hearing background noise in some settings, like noisy factories...or the background music in stores...eventually the effects of the delayed feedback wear off as you become accustomed to hearing it. Of course, this claims are all anecdotal and I've never personally spoken to anyone who has tried the devices.

I do suggest to readers to at least read Dr. Schwartz information about stuttering and his findings. They are very interesting reading, if nothing else. I suggest that you start here.

No Updates?

2007-02-08T12:06:00.000-08:00

I'm clicking on all of my linked blogs to the right and I'm noticing that most have not updated in months and months. Of course, it's a little hypocritical for me to say that, since I was gone at one time for months and months. I did notice that, as usual, The Stuttering Brain is current. And he's traveling the world right now! :)

You'll notice I've linked a new Discussion Board at http://www.stutteringdiscussion.com I'm hoping this will attract some traffic over time.

"It's Just A Habit!"

2007-02-08T11:47:00.000-08:00

I spoke recently with a doctor who runs a successful therapy site and program and has written a few books on the matter...and his idea, based on 35 years of research, is that the "cure" for stuttering must come, NOT from treating the stutter...but from treating the STRESS that occurs in the throat muscles before ever speaking (paraphrasing).

He says that most are born with stress zones in our body...mostly in the shoulders, hands, abdomen (and others) and these areas become tense when we get stressed...but that about 2% of the population has an added stress zone...the throat. This stress zone becomes tense, learned from childhood when the child first stuttered, before speaking...and this is the root cause of stuttering.

When we were children, he contends, we first stuttered because of this stress zone that became tense in a given circumstance (first day of school, etc)...we then blocked or stammered/stuttered...and began a struggle right then to "force" the speech. Eventually, we were successful and we "taught" ourself that this struggle will result in speech...thus "reinforcing" the mechanism that first caused our stutter.

This "reinforcement" is so powerful that it's almost impossible to unlearn it on our own...thus, we need his program which you can read about at www.stutter.com. He founded the National Center for Stuttering. If you call their toll free number, you may even be able to speak directly to Dr. Martin F. Schwartz, like I did. He is very kind and very intelligent and gave me a lot of insight about my stutter.

I'm thinking of taking part! The cost I don't like, though: 6 payments of $400. Huge for me. I can't afford it...I may have to save up.

Anyway, have any of you tried this program...or are thinking about it? Do you agree or disagree with any of his information?

Delayed Audio Feedback Device Research

2007-02-07T11:48:00.000-08:00

This site reports study that was done with participants wearing an audio feedback device for 3 months. At one time, I read somewhere that AFD are not effective because eventually, the adherent becomes immune to the effects of it. Sort of like how one gets accustomed to "white noise"...though the analogy isn't perfect.

This website seems to believe, based upon the findings of the study, that the use of the AFD does not gradually become ineffective and that long-term fluency can result from their use. Read for yourself: http://www.intertapeww.com/eng/research.html

The report is authored by Prof. J. Van Borsel, Gent University...but I don't know if he was the person conducting the study. The website does, however, sell an Audio Feedback Device, though I couldn't determine how to get one or how much it costs.

Is it just me...or does it seem there is a huge marketing/entrepreneurial opportunity here for someone who can produce a relatively inexpensive AFD that is easily accessible by people who aren't wealthy?

Stuttering Discussion

2007-02-07T11:38:00.000-08:00

We've begun a new community for discussion online at http://www.stutteringdiscussion.com It's completely new and has very few posts on the board...trying to jump-start it, but you are welcome to join. I'm in the process of tweaking the look of the site...the forum isn't what I want yet...but it's coming along.

Please drop by if you are inclined and if you have some time. We would appreciate your involvement.

The Amnesia Solution?

2007-02-07T09:01:00.000-08:00

Okay, Jerome is a gift that just keeps on giving, regarding blogging material. Yesterday, he made another comment on a post that got my attention. I quote: "I'm convinced (though I cannot prove it) that if I were to have amnesia and therefore wouldn't remember that I was 'supposed' to stutter, I wouldn't stutter anymore."

This is an intriguing concept to consider. I have heard, on a few occassions, by one expert or another, that stuttering is an authentic affliction up until one is around the age of 12 or so. Beyond that, it's a habit. Just as you can't "forget" how to smoke...(which is what makes quitting so difficult)...you can't "forget" how to stutter. It's become such a habit to tense up and expect to stutter, that you sort of cause it to happen. Perhaps it's an example of "which came first"...the stutter or the approach to speaking that causes the stutter?

If I could have amnesia for a day...it's very possible that I'd have no idea that I ever became stressful when approaching speech...and that, for that day alone, I'd not stutter. Of course, this only works if it's true that my stutter is only a result of my own stress towards speaking. If the affliction exists whether I'm stressed or not when approaching speech, then it probably wouldn't work...and I'd simply discover on that day that I stutter...discovering it all over again for the first time.

I tend to agree with Jerome, however, that I probably wouldn't stutter. I believe this because, for my own speech, when I am pretty confident...I won't stutter. For example, if I talk to myself in my car alone...there is no stutter. And one of the major problems of learning to become confident in situations where I'm usually stressed...I have this entire history behind me of being stressed in those situations...that I have to sort of "unlearn". It's easy to say, "I will no longer be stressed"...it's not so easy to put that into action, since I have years and years of becoming stressed in those situations behind me, providing a very firm foundation of stress that is nearly impossible to overcome.

If I could forget about it, though...as with amnesia, perhaps that would solve the problem. Thinking further, I wonder if hypnosis could undo some of that historical foundational stress?

Jerome's Insight

2007-02-06T10:08:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we fail to see the forest for the trees, don't we? Yesterday, I posted about my ability to be completely fluent during job interviews, first dates, and public speeches. All times that I would ordinarily think would cause major dysfluency. Yet, they do not for me. I wondered why this would be.

Jerome posted a comment on the thread that probably revealed possibly why this phenomenon occurs. Jerome said, "Could it be that it's because you're kind of playing a role there? And it's only when you have to reveal your 'true' self that you start stuttering?"

I don't know why I didn't think of it before...but this rings true to me. Because an interview requires me to be "on"...to put on my professional persona...to turn on a "role" of sorts...to "act", if you will...then I am able to be fluent because of the affect I'm applying to my speaking. As if I'm being someone else for a time. When I go on a first date, I want to exude confidence...thus, I turn on the best "me"...and maybe this affected manner results in temporary fluency. And it will likely fall down into stuttering when it's turned "off".

As an experiment, this morning, I asked a colleague if she would allow me to interview her as if I was a reporter for a television show. Just to see what would happen with my speech. Funny enough, I was almost completely fluent, as long as I stayed "in character". I applied a very professional tone to my voice...a slight "news" accent...and it made me probably 95% fluent.

This tells me that Jerome is probably right about what he commented on yesterday's blog entry. If you've experienced something similar, please let me know. I'd love to hear more about this. I think this is somewhat related to the therapy that some apply where they "re-teach" you to speak with an affected manner/voice/accent. Tom Weidig of "The Stuttering Brain" blog (linked to the right) spoke with me about this when he was in town last week.

Fluent At Odd Times

2007-02-05T11:19:00.000-08:00

I have always found it interesting that my fluent moments come at the strangest times. Sometimes they come at times one would normally expect me to be completely dysfluent. For example: Job interviews. I find that I am extremely comfortable and mostly fluent during job interviews. I can't seem to recall a single time I was interviewing for a job where I had trouble hiding my stutter. I've always maintained the ability to be fluent, confident and spontaneous with my speech.

Additionally, I am very fluent and confident when I am giving a public speech. Something just happens when I get the microphone in my hand or step behind the podium. I feel confident, fluent, and able to take on the world. I flourished during my public speeking classes in college...and would even tutor others who were terrified of speaking in front of others. For this reason, I've never joined public speaking groups like Toastmasters. Other stutterers have invited me to, but they join in order to build their confidence. I don't need that particular brand of confidence...so my time would be better spent doing other things.

As a side note here, the confidence completely vanishes if I have to tell jokes. I secretly harbor a dream to be a stand-up comic, but know that it's impossible because of the required "timing" of telling jokes. So, while I am confident speaking publicly, if the speech requires some kind of timing element...like punch-lines...I am in trouble. I can almost never deliver a punchline when it's time to do so.

First dates: Being single, I am still on the lookout for that special "one"...and find that if I go out on that dreaded first date, I am completely comfortable and articulate. It's only after becoming more familiar with someone that I begin to fall into a trend of blocking and stuttering.

To me, these three things are strange because it seems that stressful situations should cause my stutter to become worse...and in some ways, it does (like the telephone). But, with these three things mentioned in this entry, public speaking, first dates, and job interviews, I find that I am almost completely fluent, confident, and do very well.

The McGuire Programme?

2007-01-31T13:51:00.001-08:00

In all of my blogging and research on stuttering, I had never heard of The McGuire Programme. Apparently it is an intensive 4-day program coupled with follow-up coaching with a personal coach, a graduate of the program and some follow-up courses you are able to attend for a modest fee. Most of the coaches listed on the site are from places other than the United States...a great deal from UK and Australia.

Since I am always looking for new therapies and information about possible "cures" or "recovery programs" for stuttering, this one intrigued me. Apparently it's been featured on mainstream networks and other visible venues.

I scoured the sight looking for any hint as to the method of therapy...and found very little information. I'd love to hear from some graduates of this program who can give some insight. There is no way I'll pay for a program I know very little about and am not at least moderately sure will help me.

The program is run by its own members...not a host of doctors or "experts" in speech pathology. I like that. I know it's a bad comparison, but this method is the same one that allows AA to be so successful. :)

Anyway, if you are interested in reading about the program, visit this website: http://www.freedomsroad.org/ and I will post more information if and as I get it. Again, if you are in this program or are a coach or a successful graduate, I'd love to hear from you.

Edited: I did find a blog post that gives a little information about the techniques used: http://www.muchohabla.com/mcguire

Meeting A Fellow Stutterer and Blogger

2007-01-30T14:19:00.000-08:00

My meeting with Tom Weidig (at Starbucks in Mira Mesa, CA) from The Stuttering Brain blog went extremely well and I can report that he’s a highly intelligent, funny and insightful young guy. And despite his stutter, he is eager to talk about a wide variety of topics, including stuttering, and conveys a genuine interest in the person to whom he is speaking. I felt very at ease in his company and our few hours of chatting were very pleasant.

I made an embarrassing mistake right off, however. My education is mostly in law…not geography, and by some unfortunate slip of my early education, I had no idea where Luxembourg was and actually thought it was a city in Germany. *blush*

Interestingly, Tom brought to my attention a very effective means of preventing stuttering…it’s through a process of re-learning how to enunciate, using a very affected manner of applying emphasis on certain syllables in a word. Given that his accent is pretty strong, I didn’t notice a drastic change in the sound of his speech, using the affectation, as opposed to what he ordinarily sounds like. Thus, I thought the idea was wonderful…and his pretty strong stutter disappeared altogether.

I asked him why he didn’t use it all the time and he explained that it requires a lot of discipline to dedicate oneself to using the method consistently. Like with diets, the success is determined by a commitment to the program. If you let your guard down, you will undoubtedly relapse. Likewise, with this method, which requires almost a constant awareness of how you are talking, if you don’t stick with it, you’ll likely eventually abandon it altogether, despite the fluency freedom you’ve experienced using it.

Since I am a covert stutterer who uses many tricks to hide my dysfluency, he asked me to do an exercise. He asked me to pretend to stutter…to force myself to stutter. Understand, he wasn’t asking me to stop covering my stutter…he was asking me to actually feign a stutter. Seems easy, right? Not for me. I am very aware of my speech and my stutter can embarrass me. Thus, it took me a few minutes to gather up enough courage to do it. It made me very aware of myself. Tom seems to be completely comfortable as a stutterer, using almost no methods to get around it…and I admire him for that.

The Stuttering Brain

2007-01-22T14:47:00.000-08:00

I've only ever met people I've met online a handful of times. Maybe even only 3 or less. Today I am honored to be meeting up with Tom Weidig (from Luxembourg) from the stuttering blog (see left link) The Stuttering Brain. He actually called me on Friday evening to agree on a date, time & place.

I am nervous about this meeting because, as I've said before, ordinarily, I avoid other stutterers if I can. A little too much reality for me sometimes. I don't like having a mirror placed in front of my face. However, it might be therapeutic...plus, I'm a fan of Tom's blog, so it's going to be nice to actually talk to him.

If you have read his blog or credentials, you'll know that he's very educated...having obtained both a Master's degree and a PhD. I'm still working on my graduate law degree.

Have a click over to his blog if you get the chance.

Why I Resist Therapies

2007-01-18T10:14:00.000-08:00

By therapies...I don't mean mechanical devices (which I can't afford anyway). I am talking about on-going therapies that address the manner in which I speak...the attitude I have toward my stutter...and how I approach the world in general as a stutterer. Therapies like this one:

http://www.mnsu.edu/comdis/kuster/TherapyWWW/selftherapy.html

I have seen a trend with many of these therapies that include instructions like..."don't avoid stuttering...stutter freely", etc, etc. They encourage you to embrace your stutter. Don't hide in the "closet" as a stutterer. Become comfortable with stuttering. Blah-blah-blah.

The problem I have with this advice is that...I am comfortable enough with the tricks I use to mask my stutter. I am comfortable with pretending to be fluent. I don't believe that it will benefit me to freely stutter. In fact, it will harm my social life, my professional life...and virtually every aspect of my life. Mostly, people know that I am a stutterer if they get to know me beyond a first-time meeting or discussion.

At first meeting, people probably think I just pause a lot...or stammer more than usual. If they meet me again or begin to spend time with me...it usually becomes apparent that I am a stutterer. Yet, my "masking" techniques make it possible to have almost normal conversation. I rarely have tremendous problems. It goes the same way in my professional life. The "masking" techniques I use to hide my stutter have enabled me to have a semblance of normalcy in my social and professional life.

While the saying "if it ain't broke...don't fix it" doesn't apply here necessarily...it does apply with how my stutter impacts my life. The benefits of becoming more comfortable with being an openly stuttering stutterer...do not outweigh the benefits that come from using my "masking" techniques to hide my dysfluency.

Does this make sense at all?

2007 Resolutions

2007-01-06T19:39:00.000-08:00

Ordinarily, people make New Year's Resolutions that have to do with improving their character...refraining from some not-so-healthy activity...or accomplishing some long-since-abandoned task or responsibility that continues to bug them from time to time.

Given that this blog is about stuttering and the experiences I(we) endure, I thought I would make a few of my own that have to do with my fluency (or lack thereof). There are many things about myself I'd like to change with regard to how I respond to my own stutter, so let's go:

1. I resolve to get less annoyed with myself when I block. Instead of kicking the nearest small animal...I promise to only shake my fist and yell at it until it runs away or urinates spontaneously.

2. I resolve to become less annoyed at others when they don't realize I'm a stutterer and immediately repeat my stutter back to me, laughing. From now on, instead of burning down their house, I will only paint it pea green while they are sleeping.

3. I resolve to become less annoyed when someone I know says, "Try talking slower," when I am having a block. Slower. Wonderful, Einstein. Now we get to hear my stutter at a glacial pace. It's the gift that keeps on giving! THANKS!!!!

4. I resolve to refrain from physically assaulting others who minimize my stutter by saying, "Oh, we all stutter now and then. I'm just like you!" From now on, I'll just target their elderly grandmothers. They don't run as fast.

(Isn't this is fun!?)

5. I resolve to refrain from wishing that all of the employees of the gargantuantly over-priced fluency device manufacturering companies would burn to death in a bizarre microwave accident in the break room. I mean, heck, they can't help it if their pompous, rich, self-important opportunistic crack-pot wannabe doctor bosses inflate their prices so only the rich can benefit from their devices (which, let's be perfectly honest, probably don't work anyway.). Except for that Fluency Master. That probably works. But, at $4,000 a pop...who can afford it?

6. I resolve to stop tracing the calls of all of the customer service boneheads who become impatient with me on the phone by sighing heavily or cutting me off or hanging up. From now on, instead of stalking their children and threatening them with slow, painful and unusually cruel death, I will only force them to watch I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter commercials starring Fabio.

7. I resolve to stop doing immediate, spontaneous, rapid dental reconstruction work on idiots who ask me to repeat myself after it was so difficult to say it the first time. Instead, I'll just wrestle them to the floor and dig out their ears with Q-tips until they can sufficiently hear me the first time. "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW???? GOOOOOOOOD!!"

8. I resolve to refrain from kicking the feet out from under people who complete my sentences for me. Yes, even small children. Instead, I'll just laugh as hard as I can, point at them and scream, "NO!! That is NOT what I was going to say!! You thought I was going to say THAT?? HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR!! What a MAROOON! Get a load of THIS idiot!!?!"

9. I resolve to become less irriated at people who put their hand on my shoulder when I have a block and say, "It's okay. Just let it out." Instead, from now on, I'll look at them, smile and say, "Aw, thanks," then vomit down the front of their shirt.

10. I resolve not to do any of the resolutions on this list. Well, except for maybe 4 and 9. :)

Finding New Blogs

2006-11-24T11:14:00.000-08:00

While in the process of reading user comments that I've missed to some of my older posts, I've discovered a whole slew of new blogs and websites. You can view some of them in my list of links in the left-hand column. I enjoy other people's blogs...reading of their most personal stuttering experiences, ones they don't mind sharing, and also getting insight into how they think and how they feel about their own experience. I also like it when they come up with interesting titles to their blog. "My Stupid Mouth" is particularly good and would make a great title for a book on stuttering. I enjoyed his recent post about using the telephone and how it is a symbol of fear and frustration for most stutterers.

I also enjoyed his recent post on Celebrity Stutterers...and I share some of his thoughts. I have been somewhat skeptical of the exhaustive lists of famous stutterers, wondering if some of them had or have a stutter that is what most of us chronic stutterers know of as a "stuttering problem". Most of us have had many people tell us, after finding out that we stutter, that they stutter as well...as most people do (they say). Well, we know that that is bunk. What these people are talking about are moments of dysfluency...the sort that everyone has now and again. This is not true stuttering, however. I believe that they say this to us in order to make us feel better. In reality, however, this statement serves to diminish or trivialize what is a very real and debilitating affliction.

It's not that we want to revel in the affliction. It's that we want it taken seriously. Everyone in the world stumbles and trips over their feet now and then. But, wouldn't it be silly to say that it makes us crippled or handicap?

Thinking of Writing a Book

2006-11-24T10:16:00.000-08:00

Yes, I've been out of my own loop, doing other projects that have needed my attention, but I sincerely want to re-focus my attention on this blog. Thanks for all who have been commenting on my posts...I promise to respond to them all. Also, if you've linked to me and then informed me that you did so, asking for a reciprocation: you will get it. Thank you.

I'm in the process of outlining an idea for a book on stuttering. It will not be an academic work, since I have no credentials for such a thing. Rather, it will be somewhat of a guide for non-stutters. I was talking with a friend recently about my stuttering and about some common reactions I get from people in general. Some of them are humorous...most of them are the result of ignorance on the experience of stuttering and what we go through.

My friend said that such a book would be interesting and had the potential for being entertaining and even humorous. I am a writer by trade, though the professional writing I have done is not related to the endeavor of writing a book. I find the prospect very appealing, however, so I will embark on the journey and see where it takes me.

I do have a "rambling satire" blog that I maintain and even had it transformed into a book ("Blook") for the Lulu Blook Contest. The book and the blog is entitled, "Don't Read This". I would explain what rambling satire is, but it is probably best explained by simply reading some of the meandering entries for yourself, linked below:

Don't Read This

Anyway, I am back and hopefully I'll be able to relay some recent insights I've had about my stuttering, as well as some of my more recent experiences.

Outing A Stutterer?

2006-05-19T09:03:00.000-07:00

Of course, I'd never do it, but I went to a musical concert of a semi-famous hammered dulcimer player whom I have admired for 5 years (he's only famous in HD circles)...and between songs, he had a very obvious stutter, but it was ONLY obvious to me. He used virtually every trick I use...word swapping...feigned introspection...pretending to get tongue tied...and it was so obvious to me, I was embarrassed for him, even though there was no reason to be. I guess it just brought out my own self-loathing for stuttering.

Anyway, I was very tempted to approach him after and ask him if he was a stutterer...but I had no idea how he felt about it or if he might even become defensive....or flat out deny it. I did not approach him, however, and it was mainly due to the fear that I'd stutter in front of him and then we'd both feel terribly awkward.

Anyway, do you think there is anything ethically wrong with me posting this here and then giving a link to his main website? I have no idea.

Been Awhile

2006-05-19T08:48:00.000-07:00

But, I'm still here. Focusing on law school has been stressful and considering our company was "hostilly" taken over, I've been a bit pre-occupied...and perhaps that has been to blame for my downward trend of fluency. I'm going through a frustrating phase right now where I rarely find a fluent moment in casual conversation and most of my tricks aren't helping me out. My son finds it funny sometimes. I don't.

Typical conversation with him:

Him: What time are we supposed to be at the studio today?
Me: Travis called and said we should be there by (attempts a trick to save the word "five"...doesn't work)...he said to be there by...by...by...by...*sigh*....*expletive*...FIVE THIRTY!!!

The cuss word usually helps, interestingly enough, but I don't think I'll advocate that method since it's not conducive for normal, social behavior. :)

Recently, my blocks are getting *stronger* and less responsive to my usual tricks...the ones that used to fool people into thinking I'm fluent. You can read older posts to see what those are.

Anyway, I have a huge exam coming up in June, my son will be starting high school this fall, GAS PRICES ARE SKY HIGH, and work is a bit above the stressful line, so maybe this is all converging to cause me greater difficulty at the moment. I'm sure I'll have a downward trend and become more fluent over time. It always comes and goes in cycles like this.

Changed My Mind

2006-02-10T14:03:00.000-08:00

I am back. I like the blog and I like to have met the friends I've met thus far. Instead of leaving altogether, I'll just say that I won't be posting quite as much.

Thanks for the encouragement, John.

Taking Time Off

2006-02-09T13:49:00.000-08:00

I'm giving the blog a rest for a while...I have to focus on my 2nd year of law school. Good luck!

Lollie's Cure

2006-01-30T16:37:00.000-08:00

Since reading The Stuttering Brain, I’ve begun viewing websites that offer a cure for stuttering with a much more critical eye than I once did. When I was in the Navy, I met a man who claimed to have been cured of stuttering…and indeed I never heard him stutter. However, if he was using some fluency trick (not like my tricks of word substitution or exhaling all but enough air to start a sentence…rather, tricks that allow you to say anything you want without stuttering) then he wasn’t really cured. You might call that “recovering”, as alcoholics do in Alcoholics Anonymous. Truly cured, in my opinion, would be if you didn’t even have to think about talking and could be stutter free as if you never stuttered at all. Being fluent without a method.

This guy went to a clinic in Virginia that lasts for a couple of weeks…a very intensive fluency program. Apparently it worked for him, because I never heard him stutter in all the years I knew him. And he had a very quiet, slow way of talking. Before I knew he was a “former” stutterer, I just thought he was a low-key kinda guy. I also noticed that he didn’t talk a whole lot. You never heard him get excited or say something quick or on the spur of the moment.

Three weeks after I met him, he pulled me aside one day to say that he wanted to talk in private about something important. As I would be with anyone who approached me in such a manner, I was curious and a bit paranoid about what he wanted to talk to me. I reluctantly agreed and was absolutely convinced that he was going to either proselytize me for some religious group/church/cult…or he wanted to get me to join Amway or some other multi-level marketing organization. Neither was the case, thankfully.

He noticed my stutter, he indicated when we finally met after hours one evening. He said that he wanted to tell me about the clinic in Virginia where one could go to get intensive therapy to learn to be stutter free. I was delighted, of course…that is, until I discovered the price of the weeks-long therapy session was some 4 thousand dollars. Besides, I couldn’t take the time off of work, even if I could afford it. Ultimately, I never went.

Today online I typed in the words “stuttering cure” in the Yahoo search engine and came upon this page: http://www.lollie.com/tips/10093123.html It offers a “cure” for stuttering that, I’m sure, is too good to be true. I have no idea what formal training this “Lollie” has in speech therapy (or any kind of therapy for that matter)…but she explains that if you, either verbally or silently say, “Stutter now!” before you begin speaking…you won’t stutter. She claims she “created” this “cure” first for her friend “Mitch”, who, after using it for a couple of weeks, became completely stutter free. Another guy she supposedly “cured” claimed that after awhile, he never even had to give himself the command any longer.

I don’t know if this web page qualifies for the “Quack” distinction from The Stuttering Brain…after all, she’s not offering to sell a cure. In fact, there seems to be no motivation for her doing this at all, except that she wanted to help her friend, “Mitch.” I haven’t tried the trick yet…but I know that, even if it does work sporadically, there is no way it can possibly address a block you might have in the middle of a sentence…which is the same reason I know that the “passive air-flow method” can’t be a 100 percent cure. The passive air flow might help you begin a sentence…but I often block in the middle of sentences on difficult words.

Anyway, I will try Lollie’s method…just for fun. See what happens.

The Phone Again

2006-01-27T09:45:00.000-08:00

So, last night I logged onto my dating service online and found someone interesting…we exchange a few emails…eventually, cell phone numbers…and long story, short, I get a call a few minutes later. Understand, I have enough tricks up my sleeve to get by in most difficult situations, though they do not always work. For example, I rarely will call somebody else, simply because I usually block right away and no tricks will get me by.

It’s much easier to have someone call me…that way I don’t have to deal with the stress of knowing the person I am talking to doesn’t even know who I am and I am burdened with establishing the familiarity. Maybe you know what I’m talking about. I think most stutterers do. My boss at work once told me to call city hall in order to get some political campaign contribution statistics. This was a terrifying prospect for me because first of all, I had no idea who would have such information…and I knew the person who would first answer the phone…probably wasn’t the person I’d need to speak to and I’d have to start off the conversation by establishing with this person exactly what I was looking for. Yikes.

I tried everything else in order to avoid the call. I logged on the internet…searched the site…looked for an email…but ultimately knew it wasn’t going to be good enough because my boss was expecting an answer pretty quickly and an email wouldn’t get information as fast as he wanted it. If I told him I emailed, he’d just say, “Okay, did you call?” Eventually, I did call. If you are a stutterer, you know how emotionally draining such a task is and how glad you are once the call is over and you are replaying the entire conversation with whomever you were talking to over and over in your head, knowing they were probably repulsed by your voice and hated talking to you. And you also know that finally getting through the conversation is not as satisfying as one might think because you know that a time is coming soon where you’ll have to do it all over again.

So, I get the call, I have the person’s name, they have mine, everything is as conducive as it can possibly be for the greatest chance of fluency. And to my delight, I am mostly fluent! Obviously I did stutter just a tad in my opening sentences because almost immediately, the person says, “Oh, you stutter.” Now…I usually pride myself on being very good at hiding it from people (maybe I’m just fooling myself)…and I have only had a handful of people in my entire life mention my stutter at all, if they noticed. To have this person mention it almost immediately either means…they know a stutterer in their own life, they are a speech therapist…they stutter themselves…or I am not as good at hiding it as I think I am. I’m sure it’s the latter. At least this time.

It totally took the edge off for some reason (usually it would make it worse) and I winded up being almost completely fluent the entire conversation, using most of my tricks (word swapping…exhaling until I have only enough air to push out the first sentence…feigning introspection, etc.). And to top it off…I have a coffee date for this evening.